The Madness Of Myths

In the fall, I went to D.C. to visit my homegirl, Ned. She was having her first baby and I couldn’t let the opportunity pass to see her all swollen and to celebrate her pregnancy. In addition, I got a chance to meet some of her friends and family that I had only talked to on the phone or heard about through stories of their misadventures. Not long after, I went to North Carolina with CL to visit some of her family. Meeting a parade of attractive single women who are having such a hard time finding a good brother inspired me to change the direction of my personal blog.

As a single straight black man in Hotlanta, I went through some crazy stuff trying to find a sister to date, not to mention one that I want to marry, have kids with and live with happily ever after. I thought that I would share some of my situations in hopes that it can help someone (it turned out to be therapy for me). Many of my female friends are consistently talking about meeting brothers who are trifling. Dudes with multiple baby-mamas, employment issues, funky living arrangements, possessive personalities, or still trying to be players. My male friends keep running into sisters with baby daddy drama, employment issues, needy personalities, past relationship trauma, or just plain stank attitudes. It seems like every time I am in a conversation about relationships there is a great deal of stress in finding a suitable mate for both sexes. Nobody said it would be easy, but is it supposed to be this hard?

I ran across an old article regarding the biggest lies about black male and female relationships. I thought it was interesting, and a good way to get the conversation started. We need to be able to separate truth from fiction.

1. Black Relationships/Marriages Don’t Last
We all know that this isn’t true because we have relatives or friends who have been married for 20, 30, 40, and 50 years. Funny thing! None of these couples met at the club or on the internet.

2. Black Male/Female Relationships Are Only About Sex
Okay, this one is tough because so many folks out here are running around sleeping with people that they really don’t even know. Don’t get me wrong, sex is a very important part of a relationship. However, any lasting relationship has to be based on trust, commitment, and respect. If you have those things, the sex will be great.

3. All Black Male/Female Relationships Are Filled With Arguments, Hardship and Pain
Everybody’s relationship doesn’t have to be like Jody and Yvette in “Baby Boy.” If people deal with their own individual baggage before trying to hook up with somebody else, most of these problems would be avoided. In my experience, people don’t fight fair. You’ll never have peace if in the midst of an argument about paying bills you say, “That’s why I should have left your no f$#@ing ass!” Trust me, that isn’t helping the situation. Don’t walk around with stuff on your chest. Deal with the issues as they come up and don’t hold grudges.

4. All Black Men Cheat on Their Partners
First, you can’t say that “all” black men do anything. There are plenty of brothers out here who are faithful and find one good woman is more than enough for them. Unfortunately, some brothers allow ego and insecurity to push them to live up to the myth of the black stud. Those guys use what they think is their only weapon to strike out when their egos are bruised. I’ll never agree that this is the majority of dudes though. Hell, women are doing their fair share of cheating too. I know a couple sisters in Atlanta that have a string of brothers that don’t know anything about each other.

5. Black Women Can’t Hold Relationships Together Because They Are Too Domineering and Demanding
It’s crazy that the strength of black women can be used as a reason for relationships not working. Any dude saying this is just weak! This is the dude who gets into a relationship and decided that he wants to be “The Man” and lay down “The Law,” but doesn’t really have a plan as to where he wants to go. Nobody in his or her right mind would listen to that crap. I don’t care what type of woman it is, if she finds a man that she truly trusts and believes in there will not be a problem with her attitude. Brothers, step your game up!

Basically, these are all the reasons that people believe it can’t work. What are your thoughts? We have to come up with a way to bridge this divide between brothers and sisters.

Let’s discuss…

Vincent Slaughter is a writer and graduate of Morehouse College. Single and living in Atlanta, Georgia, his thoughts on love and relationships are also featured on

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