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He Said, She Said

A recent UC Davis study revealed that men don’t always hear what women say.

DUH!

And before all you men groan, let me add… a great big vice versa.

The study cites, and I’m paraphrasing here, that if a man and woman are making out and she says, “It’s getting late,” what she means is, “Help me find my bra, it’s time to go home.”

According to the study though, men hear something entirely different.

To them, “It’s getting late,” comes across as, “Let’s skip the foreplay and get right to the good stuff.” The fact that some men continue to underestimate the value of foreplay will be addressed at a later date. But for now, please know that foreplay is mandatory, just like condoms (see last week’s blog).

The Davis study implies that men interpret what women say by trying to imagine what they would mean. In other words, the only reason a man can imagine himself saying “It’s getting late” while making out is to let the woman know it’s time to speed things up. I confess this interpretation never occurred to me, but upon reading it, I can see where men may have a point.

So, I got to thinking, what other situations do women say “A” and men hear “B?” And vice versa? Here’s my thoughts:

When she says, “Let’s just be friends” she really means, “Let’s stay in touch in case I need to borrow your truck to pick up a couch I bought on Craig’s List.”

When he says it, he really means, “Let’s stay in touch because I still want us to have sex, but I don’t want to spend holidays with your family or buy you birthday presents.”

When she says, “We’re free to date other people,” what she really means is, “I’m dating this other guy I like more, but he’s afraid to commit which probably means he’s seeing someone he likes more and if that’s true, I’m going to stop seeing him and only see you.”

When he says it, he means, “I’m keeping my options open in case Halle Barry is looking for a new baby daddy.” FYI ladies, some men keep their options open right up until the last stripper leaves the bachelor party.

When she says, “Let’s just cuddle,” she means it.

When he says it, he really means, “I got some earlier and I’m straight.”

When she says, “Not tonight, I have a headache,” she really means, “I got some earlier and I’m straight.”

She might also mean, “The last time we did it, it wasn’t so great and I’d rather not have sex than have bad sex, and I was afraid to mention it because my birthday’s coming up and I’m expecting you to buy me a present.”

When he says, “Not tonight, I have a headache,” he means it.

Now fellas, pay close attention because the next two are tricky.

If in the middle of making out she says, “I just got my hair done,” what she means is, “If you’re willing to pay for me to get my do re-did, we can do it. If not, get off me.”

If in the middle of making out, she says, “I don’t want to sweat my hair out” what she’s saying is, “if you’re cool with me just laying here, handle yours. If not, get off me.”

If he says either of the above, it doesn’t matter what he really means, just run, girl run!

Finally, when she says, “I do,” what she means is, “Thank God, now I don’t have to go to parties alone.”

When he says it, he really means, “Thank God, now someone else can do my laundry.”

Let’s face it, the sexes have never spoken the same language. If we did, we’d still be running around buck naked and carefree in the Garden of Eden. The devil was a man, right? And when he told Eve; “Nothing bad will happen if you bite that apple,” what he meant was, “Nothing bad will happen to ME if you bite that apple, but life is gonna suck for you.” Thus making Eve the first woman to stupidly take a man at his word, but certainly not the last.

And before all you men groan, let me add… a great big vice versa.

Feel free to holler back any He said/She said I may have missed.

Tamara T. Gregory is a writer/producer/traveler. Happily single (yes, there really is such a thing), she is an expert on the dating game. Her debut novel, Passport Diaries, is an LA Times bestseller and is soon to become a Hollywood motion picture. The book is available at www.passportdiaries.com. Gregory’s X…WHY blog is exclusive to Urban Thought Collective.


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