Urban Thought Collective

Relationships of all kinds go through turmoil, ups and downs, ins and outs, where both parties have to decide if it’s in them to forgive, particularly when they believe they’ve been wronged beyond measure.

Married couples face this situation more often than most and how they handle it can either lead to the recovery of the marriage or to its demise. Forgiveness by God’s standards tells us to not only forgive, but to also forget trespasses that have been made against us.

That’s not necessarily easy to do. We may be able to forgive after a while (and it may be a long while), but depending on the infraction, forgetting is not as simple. The fact of the matter is– its one of the hardest things to do in keeping relationships together.

For sure there many reasons why a spouse would need to forgive the other spouse—anything from forgetting to remember major occasions like anniversaries, being inconsiderate in bed, mismanagement of money and what is in most cases is the final death knoll for most marriages…infidelity.

As I’m sure you’ve all heard of the wives of bible thumping high profile politicians who have confessed to infidelity, and where their wives have forgiven them (to a point), but I bet you my bottom dollar—these wives have not forgotten by any means, and probably won’t ever forget. In order to heal their own hearts, redeem their own souls and move on, these women had to forgive their cheatin’ ass husbands (or wives). I’ve seen what unforgiveness can do personally.

My mother is 80 years old and has never forgiven my father what he did to her in their 22-year marriage . They were divorced when she was 38 and she wouldn’t allow herself to have another relationship since than…can you imagine! Unfortunately, this choice—and it was a choice—has impacted her mind, body and soul all these years and he’s been dead and gone more than two years now. OK, maybe in her case, she needed to forgive and forget.

You may remember from one of my previous blogs, I (and hundreds of thousands like me), have little tolerance for those whose lack of self esteem and self control allows them to be comfortable indulging in infidelity.

However, even in this instance, no matter how it may look to outsiders, the healthiest thing to do is to forgive, but forgetting is another matter entirely. You don’t have to allow it to come to mind or soul daily, monthly or very often at all, but in my opinion, it is more than wise not to forget whatever it was. If we do forget, we tend to get complacent and before we know it we fall back into the morass of what caused the pain in the first place.

I believe just as it’s a good thing to remember why you and your spouse fell in love in the first place. It helps you to put aside matters that in most cases are not as dire as they seem at the moment. However, there’s nothing wrong with remembering what went wrong and what caused the pain, because there are vital lessons to be learned in experiencing pain.

You remember what you both did or didn’t do to cause what happened to happen in the first place, you remember what you need to do to ensure it never happens again, in remembering what was done you can lovingly remind the person at that time of remembrance that it will not happen again, or else, and you remember that you came through it stronger, smarter, more empowered and more determined than ever not to find yourself in that place again.

As Alicia Keys says in one of my favorite songs…. “Yes, I was burned, but I call it a lesson learned. Mistake won’t return, so I called it a lesson learned, my soul has returned, so I call it a lesson learned.” By all means, forgive your spouse, just don’t forget.

Norma Stanley is President/CEO of NFS Communications and Publishing, a multicultural marketing firm specializing in the African American and Disability communities. She is also the mother of a special needs child, and author of “The Elected Lady—Finding Victory in the Challenge,” an inspirational book for and about mothers of special needs children. Married to her high school sweetheart, they have weathered nearly 25 years of marriage, which has seen mostly bright and sunny days, with more than a few stormy rain clouds thrown in for good measure. Stanley’s thoughts on love and marriage are exclusive to www.urbanthoughtcollective.com.