Urban Thought Collective

OK, so by now you may have heard that me and What’s-His-Face are no longer wearing matching outfits. But what you haven’t heard, because it surprised the heck out of me and all of my friends, is that I’m dating ONLINE. Yup. Me. Who swore for years that my man was not online because my man is fine and charismatic and he is a hunter and he likes to find women on his own and he’s beating women off him just walking down the street…and on and on… Besides, it’s creepy.

But here’s the thing. After me and WHF parted ways, I had a revelation that goes a little something like this. All the testosterone junkies that like harpooning women like me can keep on harpooning. Good luck. In the meantime, however, I’ve changed my relationship hierarchy from “Oooh, I like him!” to spiritually compatible, successful, loves me to pieces, educated, emotionally healthy, world-traveled, wants kids and delicious inside and out. And as such, Mama sure could use a very diligent, takes-no- lunch-breaks secretary to do some finding and seeking. Ah-haaa…I finally get Internet dating!

So, I’m not telling you what to do. But if I was, I’d say, why don’t you take the plunge, too? Let’s just call it a social experiment and the first one to find their schmoopie gets a cookie, OK? Here’s how this looks:

1. Take three great pictures. And I said TAKE, as in current pictures, not FIND shots from your hey-day in 1990 when you could still wear your lucky jeans. OK, I’m totally in arrears in this area, but here’s where you do as I say, not as I did. Ideally, your primary should be an AMAZING close-up. Not nostril hairs close, but a head and shoulders shot. The next should be a body shot, head to toe. For the third, you can get creative: you at the beach or you overseas at the Taj Mahal. (Man, I’m a sucker for an overseas picture. Is that so wrong?). What I’m not a sucker for, however, men is the “me and my boys/girls Vegas shot, the bare-chested shot (Ew, have some pride about yourself) or the “me pointing at my Benz/Camaro/Harley” shot. Now, granted, you may not be trying to attract classy folks, but I’m just saying.

And just what makes for a great picture? It’s a careful blend of accentuating the positive: boobs, legs, body, face, watcha got? But not in an insecure, I’m trying too hard, “Hey, look at me! No, right here. RIGHT HERE!” Kind of way. Best thing to do is take about 10 shots, then ask two people of the opposite sex that you trust who they’d choose.

PS ladies…I’m a big advocate of natural hair, but I’m not mad at a great weave shot. 90% of western men like long hair. It’s been proven scientifically and I found that out personally when, after getting a butt ugly haircut last year, I threw in a few tracks and had men chasing me down the street. So not fair, but if you ask me, you can have the “I have a weave” convo after a few dates. What?

2. Browse a variety of sites. As you know, there are the big sites like eharmony and match.com, etc. It doesn’t hurt to have a dating pool of 10 million men a day. And so far, my eharmony matches have been pretty amazing. (Didn’t say cute. Did I say cute? No.) But if there is a six-foot-five Asian doctor who’s Buddhist, operates on orphans and likes Black women to be found, they will find him. No joke. They found him for me. Was he cute? Ahhh…no. Looked like Jackie Chan. But dang, good start, right? From there, branch out to your niche…based on race, religion or hobbies. My girl swears by plentyoffish and okcupid, which are free. We like free!

3. Sign up for no more than 3 sites at a time. Yeah, I’m kinda greedy, too. But here’s the thing…unless you put something horribly unsocial on your profile, you’re going to get about 10 matches a day from each site. Some will want to contact you, others want you to ask questions, others are just winking and flirting…it’s all a bit much. So unless you don’t have a job or don’t mind losing your job, keep it simple at first.

4. Try most sites out for free first and see who bites. Most sites will let you see your potential matches for free, then try to lure you in with cheaper offers within a week if you just sit tight. I assume that a year membership is a good amount of time to let nature take its course, but go for where you are budget-wise. Just be careful…most sites renew automatically, so I’d hate for your rent check to bounce because of your overzealous online dating.

5. Dang. I really like telling people what to do, don’t I? Is this why I write a blog? Do I need to work on that?

6. Write a great profile. This is hard, because you don’t want to be all cookie-cutter here. Be yourself, but not the not-so-nice part of yourself. Kinda like how you act on a first date…All “Yes please, thank you so much, hey, let me get that door for you”-ish. I did notice, however, that most men on match.com have “sarcasm” as their only turn-off. What do you know about that? I’m a little, um, er, sarcastic quite often. Maybe that’s not good? Must give it more thought. A bit of humor, a touch of confidence, impressive, but not braggadocios. Again, don’t be afraid to revise, revise, revise. Sometimes I finish a profile and I’m like, it’s perfect! And then the next day, I’m frigging horrified. Let it marinate. Tweak it. See what you respond to in other people’s profiles. Revise. And OMG…no frigging typos and third grade grammar. Reading is soooo FUNdamental!

PS Men, I’m not mad if you have someone proofread your profile. No, really.

7. Be patient. Like grocery shopping, or going to TJ Maxx, most of what you’re going to see is CRAP, but you only need one good catch, and maybe like two back-ups. Hee, hee. And, Man and Women Tamers, don’t tell people you’re currently dating that you’re wracking folks up online! Just do you until something sticks, then un-vite people to date you accordingly.

8. And finally, be honest. And don’t be creepy and try to lure people places and have inappropriate phone conversations with complete strangers or pretend to be the size/age/success that you aren’t. Lies make baby Jesus cry. And public meetings only, folks. Coffee. Friend knows where you’re going. 911 on the speed dial. No home visits. No second locations. Kick out the tail light if they put you in the trunk. Dang, don’t you watch Oprah?

Happy dating!

Tune in next week when I review Blackpeoplemeet.com. Cultural Mecca or a hot ghetto mess…I’ll be the judge.

Kali Love is my sometimes brilliant, often obnoxious, alter ego. If I’m Chuck D., she’s a bit, well…Flava Flav with hers. So to protect my career as a writer/producer/Veuve Clicquot-sipping philanthrope, I shall remain nameless. But Kali Love? There’s no telling what she’ll say.