Urban Thought Collective

Dang, ya’ll. It’s been a hot minute. I’ve thought about you everyday. I felt so guilty about neglecting to spread the gospel of Man Taming throughout the land. And I had nightmares that you were now seeking relationship advice from some poorly-dressed, half-baked, Kali Love knock-off! Please forgive me for my absence. It’s just that umm, err, ahh, yeah … Mama didn’t really have the time or mental wherewithal to be witty and creative ‘cause she was real busy kicking her boyfriend to the curb. And in case you’re a little slow, “Mama” is codeword for moi.

But Kali, I thought you were a Man Tamer, wasn’t your man acting right? But Kali, in the inauguration blog, you called him “Mr. Wonderful.” But Kali, I thought he was The One?

Well, heffa…ya thought wrong. Oh, just kidding. Here’s the skinny, ladies and gents. First off, a brief disclaimer: this blog entry isn’t going to be chock full of all the juicy and sordid details. After all, we’re not quite that close and publicly gossiping about one’s self is bad for future business. Besides, in the words of the deliciously wordy Maya Angelou, “A whining woman lets a brute know there’s a victim in the neighborhood.” Yes, I’m still a Man Tamer, yes, he sent me two feeble little emails at 3am this week (Awww….what’s wrong former Mr. Wonderful, losing some sleep?) But Mama is actually singing glory songs with the heel-kicking jubilee of a freed Negro, so let’s move on, shall we?

However, since break-ups come part in parcel with more than 50% of relationships, I think it’s high time we discussed the how, where and when’s of them all.

To Burn Rubber or Not Burn Rubber

You’re in a relationship. It’s working in sync with your biological clock…if he proposes next year and you get married, say six months after that, and then next year you have child number one and take a year off and then have child number two, hopefully of the opposite sex, you can have a husband and two kids in 3.5 years! Woo–hoo! But there are a few things that aren’t sitting right in the “I can put up with this for 45 more years” department. What to do?

Stay the course, take the plunge and hope he grows (codeword for “I can change him”)? Keep the relationship going, but pray for a romantic-comedy-pre-wedding-intervention by your kinda cute best guy friend; the guy from high school who always had a crush on you; or Idris Elba, who you swear would fall madly in love with you if he got a good look? Cut your losses and throw the dice for an upgrade…all the good things about your ex-guy minus the things that make you want to stab him in the neck and maybe a guy who has a little more money and is better in bed while we’re making requests?

According to Eharmony founder, Dr. Neil Warren, every person must make a list of “must haves and must not haves” and can’t detour from it. Now, I’m not telling you what to put on your list, I’m just suggesting a few choice items that you might put on your list. If you’re feeling smart and Man Tamer-ish, that is.

1. Must not be living at home. Nope. Not even to take care of somebody, not even temporarily, not even on weekends. Over 35? Must have his own home. That he can afford. And is not in foreclosure. And has furniture. Hard times? Recession? Aww…not your business.

2. Must make enough money to properly educate your kids…which is codeword for private school. Yeah, unless y’all are shacking up in Brentwood or Buckhead or somesuch area, nowadays, sending your kids down the street will all but guarantee that they’ll be taking your grandkids to their ninth grade Home Ec. class while their classmates swoon, “Aw, Ray-Ray’s outfit is so cuuute, today!”

3. Must be good in bed. Dang, I didn’t want to have to say this, but I’m just going to be blunt because I owe it to womankind. MOST MEN ARE BAD IN BED OR AT BEST, EXTREMELY MEDIOCRE, WHICH IS SO FRIGGING RIDICULOUS BECAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE SOME OF THE ONES WHO HAVE HAD THE MOST PRACTICE AND ARE TRYING TO GET SOME ON DATE NUMBER TWO ARE THE WORST. No details…we’re still a family channel. OK, guys I can’t resist helping you out a little bit with a few must-do’s, because I’m kind like that: variety of positions (five-ish wouldn’t hurt nobody), ability to connect (can you look somebody in their eyes? Damn.), confidence (from reading a book or seeing a good movie on the subject, not just because you worked out today), responsiveness (is she with your program or is she looking at the ceiling, thinking about spackling a crack?), BYO condoms, and then there are just straight biological issues (herbs, anyone? Don’t make her have to mention it. I mean, really. Really. Not cool.) Whew. Glad that’s over with. How much time should it take, you ask? Long enough so that neither of you has any idea how long it took. Any more questions? Tune into Sue Johanson and get educated. Go on, nobody’s watching.

4. Spiritual alignment. As some say in chuch, “You gotta be equally yoked.” Took me awhile to really be serious about this. Like, umm, err, two months ago. Here’s the thing…I’m Buddhist. I meditate. And if sitting still, breathing and observing your sensations without reacting in the pursuit of enlightenment seems like the recipe for a really bad leg cramp to you, you’re not gonna be singing me a Luther song at our wedding. And for the rest of you…if you unequivocally believe that people need to get dipped in the water, don’t date somebody who thinks you need to put on some very un-Stuart Weitzman sandals and walk to Mecca. That’s it.

5. Must love you to pieces. Why is this a conversation point? Ladies, men, this is actually numero uno, do not walk, run material. Don’t try to convince someone to love you. Don’t try to convince someone to be honest and loyal to you. Don’t let anyone tell you that they act a certain way because you make them. Somebody’s going to love you and receive the blessing of honoring you and cherishing you. Somebody’s going to be moved to grow and expand like they never have because they met you and, too…odds are somebody else is gonna go the way of the ego and lose you and feel stupid and then come crawling back, but you’ll already have “moved on up” like the Jeffersons…and this, my loves, is where our story began.

Join me next week when I begin my journey of Internet Man Taming…the horror, the hilarity, the how-to’s of dating online! Got a question for the Kali Love mailbag? Ask me, and I might just answer you.

Kali Love is my sometimes brilliant, often obnoxious, alter ego. If I’m Chuck D., she’s a bit, well…Flava Flav with hers. So to protect my career as a writer/producer/Veuve Clicquot-sipping philanthrope, I shall remain nameless. But Kali Love? There’s no telling what she’ll say.