Urban Thought Collective

There are some who might think being meek in a marriage equates to being weak—spineless, too submissive—basically allowing yourself to be treated as a doormat. On the contrary, being meek requires more strength of character and self control than being combative, onerous, or just plain spiteful.

Being meek means being able to watch circumstances and pray for your spouse, while not being afraid to be bold enough to say what you need to say, when it needs to be said. The key is in how you say it—which should be with love and respect, not disparagingly or with condescension. This holds true for both men and women, husbands and wives. It also takes a strong person to fight the urge not to go off but to pray your way through, when you’re on the receiving end of cutting remarks.

In today’s warped and contentious society, men and women who give love, respect and show understanding, patience, sensitivity, forgiveness and tenderness to their spouses particularly when they’ve done something wrong or not quite right, are considered weak by some. This view is held particularly by those who don’t have good relationships, if any at all–yet, another reason to keep people out of your business.

It’s a shame that men tend to be considered weak if they try to attend to their wives’ feelings, needs and requests—even if they don’t get it right all the time. Yet men like these are far from weak, on the contrary. It takes a strong man to put up with some of the crap some wives dish out (and be truthful, some of us can really dish it out and vice versa). However, these husbands still take note of their wives in their many roles and know when to adapt themselves to those roles. They know how to treat their wives when she is being the mom, the daughter, the employee or employer, his best friend, his love and his life partner.

These many roles his wife plays sometimes appear separately, yet they all combine to make up the whole and he knows how to handle them all. Even during those raging monthly hormonal moments, he shows wisdom in knowing when to get the heck out of dodge or how to be silent instead of becoming baited into an argument.

This rarity of a man takes care of business when it comes to paying the bills and taking care of his family, yet he shows sensitivity when she’s had a hard day, he listens rather then lectures, he rubs her feet, he sometimes cooks dinner, feeds the children and gets them ready for bed, so she can just nap for a while. He’s there whenever she needs him.

The same holds true for wives. It is a proven fact that women are stronger than men in just about every way but physical strength. So it’s important for us to show that strength in ways that work for both of us in our marriage and not against us. Instead of walking softly and carrying a big stick (literally), why not try carrying a big stick (your strength through prayer) and walking softly?

Why not give massages, cook their favorite meals, give them time to disappear into their man cave, trying not to carp at them for watching baseball games almost every night, so you can’t watch your favorite shows because your son bought him the Major League Baseball package on cable so he can watch like eight games at the same time. But I digress…

It’s true that we women have much more power than we use. Just because you don’t curse your husband out every time he messes up (which is plenty), doesn’t mean you’ve become a doormat. Strong women know when to fight and when to back up, we know when to pray and when to speak up, we know when to hold them, and when to fold them. We know when to kill them with kindness, how to be sweet like candy and when to love them into oblivion until they become weak—and we are sincere about all of it. At least, we should be.

These are lessons both my husband and I learned over the many years we’ve been married. I’m not really the contentious type, but I am definitely not the submissive type either. The same goes for my husband. Over the years, off and on, my husband and I have had sparring and jabbing verbal and silent punching sessions with each other–mostly over unnecessary stuff.

Then we’d take the fight into the kitchen, the bedroom, to work, to church and back home again, which manifested in creating a real and dangerous distance in our relationship during those times. They didn’t last long, but they kept happening. When these episodes would happen, we didn’t take the time to talk it out, or to listen or understand when we did talk, much less pray our way through it. This was because neither one of us wanted to be perceived as weak by the other.

We now realize how close we were to blowing the whole thing–pride goeth before the fall and all that. We’ve learned that meekness in marriage is the willingness to listen and receive from our spouse, because we understand how much we not only need each other, but we need each other’s input in our lives. This isn’t being weak.

I’m pretty certain that most couples who’ve been married for 30, 40 and 50 years, understand this concept of knowing when to be meek with each other when the occasion calls for it, while at the same time being strong for each other. My husband Steven and I have recently gotten to that point where it doesn’t mean as much to be right, as it does to show strength through love, sensitivity, patience and understanding through the times of our life.

According to the bible, meekness is one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit. Galatians 5:22-23 states: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance….“ All of these qualities need to be present in a whole, strong and lasting marriage.

It isn’t easy to pull off, it sometimes it doesn’t feel so good and you’ll sometimes want to go upside their head with a cast iron pot, but I’ve learned to step back, take a deep breath, pray and then handle my business like the stronger, sweeter woman that I’ve become.

As a result, I get a stronger, sweeter man and we remain both weak and strong for each other.

Barry White said it best in one of his many hits….

“The way you give me your sweet love
Any place and time when you look at me I get weak in my knees
I’m so thankful that you’re mine. Your sweetness is my weakness.”

Sho yo right!

Norma Stanley is President/CEO of NFS Communications and Publishing, a multicultural marketing firm specializing in the African American and Disability communities. She is also the mother of a special needs child, and author of “The Elected Lady—Finding Victory in the Challenge,” an inspirational book for and about mothers of special needs children. Married to her high school sweetheart, they have weathered nearly 25 years of marriage, which has seen mostly bright and sunny days, with more than a few stormy rain clouds thrown in for good measure. Stanley’s thoughts on love and marriage are exclusive to www.urbanthoughtcollective.com.