Urban Thought Collective

I have a friend I’ve known for over 20 years who’s been married five times. She’s also been put through the ringer each time, yet is still looking forward to finding “Mr. Right,” and says she would marry again. She’s been married multiple times, yet there are women I know who have yet to experience their first marriage—go figure.

Sasha (name has been changed), is a very attractive woman. When I met her at my job, she’d just divorced her first husband, the father of her son who’d she’d been married to about seven years. She is one of those women who attract men like bees to honey.

I know a few other women like that. Unfortunately for them, many of the men they let into their lives only wanted one thing—the honey. Then they fly off or if they stay, they do a 180 on them. Too bad, because these women are very smart, talented, loving and giving women, but always seem to attract needy men who take advantage of them.

A little over a two or so years after her divorce, Sasha married husband #2, and it lasted just over two years. Although she later said that in comparison to the others he wasn’t all that bad, he didn’t get along with her young son. Number three came along shortly thereafter, to whom she was married only three months. Turns out he was a total wingnut and was potentially very dangerous. Needless to say, the union ended. In fact, she was very lucky he wasn’t crazy enough to try to really harm her.

Number four seemed very intelligent, had a great job, knew the movers and shakers in the community, but she found out after they’d been married a couple years, that he was infected with HIV/AIDS. Thank God, her tests have been negative so far and it’s been over 10 years. Again, she escaped with her life and moved to another state.

Then she met an assistant pastor who seemed ready for marriage, although recently divorced. He was spiritual, had a daughter in grade school, was an advocate for youth and seemed like a great guy. They got married a short time after—I even sang at her wedding. Yet, after giving it a few years, she realized this too was a mistake.

She found her goal to become a real estate agent would be waylaid because he lost his job. Then she found herself responsible for the care of his daughter, which she resented. Then there was the constant friction around visiting her now grown son, who would stay at his father’s house when on military leave, where she’d also stay when visiting him.

Her husband was threatened by her relationship with her first husband, who was now a good friend. Her first ex’s current wife was none too pleased with that either although initially, she was very welcoming. This caused friction in their marriage, although nothing was going on.

It all came to a head and Sasha and her husband separated for a year after being married about three years. He filed for divorce not wanting to wait any longer for her to make up her mind, and was remarried within six months (his third time). When I recently asked Sasha why she felt she had to marry so many times, she said she finally realized she was finding her self esteem through the eyes of men, and she was also a sucker for promises of a better life, as well as a sad story.

Basically, she had some serious daddy issues. Her father was very critical, never said he loved her and she was always trying to please him to get the love and affection she desperately needed from him. She was unknowingly seeking love and acceptance from all of her needy husbands—but always got the raw end of the deal.

Making it through a first marriage is hard enough, but I can’t imagine marrying over and over and over again. Sasha tried it five times and failed and is just now learning to appreciate who she really is—without a man. However, despite her past record, she isn’t counting out the possibility of finding “the right one” some day.

Sasha’s marriage decisions aren’t as crazy as people may think. Research says today almost half of all marriages end in divorce (especially Christian marriages), and of those who choose to remarry, 70 percent will file for divorce again. After that I say…what’s the point? Perhaps if you got wealthier each time, then maybe, but in Sasha’s case she always lost more than she gained.

Interviews with young people suggest that although they want their first marriage to last, they are not particularly optimistic about that possibility. Research says that many young married couples are embracing the idea of something called “serial” marriages, where a person gets married two or three times, seeking a different partner for each phase of their adult life. That’s amazing to me, but what do I know? I believe in working together to make a marriage work through the various phases of each other’s lives, but I guess I’m a relic.

The marriage “do overs” made by Sasha and other people marrying again and again signifies two things in my opinion. One is that whether they want to admit it or not (and Sasha finally did), if a person gets married more than twice, the problem isn’t necessarily always with the new spouse, but with them. Two, continually searching to find the right “one” gives strength to the fact that people really want to be in a solid marriage relationship.

Once the potential of such a relationship is thought to be found, if things go awry, why not try a do over with that spouse, rather than pursuing marriage “do overs”, over and over and over again with others? There are some marriages that are dead as doornails, but some are not as dead as spouses may think.

Just like in everything else in today’s society, when it comes to relationships, marriages, jobs, cars, churches, etc., we act like spoiled children wanting only our way and only choose toys to play with for a short period of time. When we get tired of the toy or if it breaks, we just go out and get another one. No biggie.

Not only are some people too quick to marry, when they do think they’ve found someone, they are too quick to let go of the possibilities and rewards of having a lasting marriage. All the lyrics in a song from Eric Benet’s CD “Love & Life, (Great CD!) called, “Don’t Let Go,” says it all. He asks his wife not to give up on their relationship, although it looks like it might be over, because moving on to another man or woman will only find them with a new person, facing the same problems.

The song says… “…Now the heat of love feels like it’s starting to cool, I hear the bells but they don’t ring the way they used to. It looks like breaking up is our next obvious move, but let’s not move too soon. See the problem going round too often these days, people throwing in the towel once they pass the honeymoon phase, a stronger love awaits if we endure this pain, unless we’ve lived these years, cried these tears in vain….I’m saying, don’t let go.”

I agree.

Norma Stanley is President/CEO of NFS Communications and Publishing, a multicultural marketing firm specializing in the African American and Disability communities. She is also the mother of a special needs child, and author of “The Elected Lady—Finding Victory in the Challenge,” an inspirational book for and about mothers of special needs children. Married to her high school sweetheart, they have weathered nearly 25 years of marriage, which has seen mostly bright and sunny days, with more than a few stormy rain clouds thrown in for good measure. Stanley’s thoughts on love and marriage are exclusive to www.urbanthoughtcollective.com.