Urban Thought Collective

After a way long vay-cay of meditation and rejuvenation, Kali Love is back. How else do you think I can cohabitate with mere mortals (AKA men) and not nag, refrain from fixing, act like Becka, not curse people out and not smother with pillows? Truth be told, however, I had a nasty case of the doubtsies and the fix-it’s this winter and almost derailed my whole train. But now, like fat Oprah trying to be skinny Oprah, I’m back on the wagon and I’m taking you with me! So, Man Tamers, let’s jumpstart with 8 delicious do and don’ts.

1. Sleep in the nude. That is, unless you don’t like sex and you don’t like monogamy and you don’t really want your man chasing you around the house like you’re a two-dollar hooker on payday. No, really. If you’re already doing it (being naked, that is) you know that men are very visual and even more tactile and if it’s just lying there, they’re gonna want. If you’re not already doing it, get in bed in your usual frumpies and tent panties (shame on you!) and then announce that you just feel uncomfortable and honey, is it hot in here to you, then de-layer with an, Ah, that’s so much better and see what happens. And no, you’re not going to catch a cold. Damn.

2. Dress like a hooker/act like a schoolgirl. This is a yin and yang-er. I’m not trying to put all men in a box, but let’s be real. Your man approached you (unless you’re a non-man-taming-aggressive-hussy, in which case, shame on you again) because something about the way you look made him want to have sex with you. Yep, girl…that’s why. So now that you got him all emotionally snarled up and respecting you and what not, it’s your job to keep things hot. But here’s where so many non-Man Tamers get it all wrong. A hooker is a Hollywood invention: it’s the perfectly coifed, sexy, innocent, (but with a few good skills) Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman” that men dream about like we dream about Chloe bags. And then, there’s the, um…ho. Let’s just say that ain’t nobody gonna bring the limo to her shotgun apartment to ask her to marry him.

3. Keep it pretty. OK, obviously we’re getting the superficials out of the way first. So many women (and men, hello, with your nasty beer guts) let it get so damn casual to horrible so quickly. Where the heck is the allure? I’m not saying you have to go to sleep with a face full of make-up, but would you please trying to act half-way like you did when he was picking you up for dates yesteryear?

NO to do-rags, rollers, granny panties, zit creams, peeling fingernail polish, house shoes, housecoats, talking to him about your rashes and itches, and all things that remind him of his grandma.

YES to getting your satin pillowcase on and wearing your hair out or in a ponytail at night, yes to g-strings, mani-pedis, waxing, cute lounge wear, smelling good and all things that remind him of Beyonce. OK, damn…can he at least get a Kelly Rowland?

4. Keep a clean house. We’re just gonna breeze right through this. Nobody trusts a dirty-birdy. This is one of the little things that men don’t tell you, but immediately put you into the “future wife” or “just tonight” box. It may not be fair, but if he sees your dirty, messy casa, he’s gonna automatically think that you’re going to drop his kid. That’s it.

5. Be a girl friend. If you’re the type of woman who men like to spend all day with and open doors for even when they’re not sleeping with you, then imagine what you can whoop on somebody who’s really digging you.

And here’s a secret. Once they become really good friends with you, they’ll put you above the Man Code and tell you the truth about everything. And your job is to just sit there and act like, Oh, no big deal, when really you are like, Oh my God, I’m gonna publish this on the Internet!

But beyond breaking the Man Code, which literally took my best guy friend 15 years before he started breaking it with me, you get to see that men are just frigging people. No big deal. They laugh, they cry, they hurt, they’re wonderful, they’re stupid, they’re insecure, they’re amazing, they’re just…men. Darn. Ooops, I mean, yeah!

6. Stop stalking and be alluring. And when I say stalking, I mean calling and texting and sending little love notes and…enough already. Chicks like that stuff and he’s not a CHICK. Men like to WANT to call you and want you to stay over even though they’re going to be half-asleep in tomorrow’s meeting. They actually like to like you and miss you and can’t wait to see you. They actually like being inspired to buy you flowers, not just because they’re gonna catch heck if they forget. Your job is to throw a fiesta for every little (and hopefully, some big) treat that comes your way.

7. Give compliments. A ton of them. All the time. Every day. It’s cheap and it’ll get you what you want! No, I’m kidding. Ladies, I’m gonna go ahead and throw out a Man Tamer challenge since I’ve been slipping too. How about we give nine compliments for every one correction?

8. Be Really Sweet. No, really. Remember when all those somewhat pathetic men on Oprah said they cheated on their wives because they didn’t feel appreciated at home? Love it or hate it, it’s the truth. Let’s face it—monogamy is hard enough these days. It’s not like your man needs to be in the field behind the plow all day while you’re boiling stew and making a quilt. So, nowadays it takes a heck of a woman to make a man excited about sharing all of his money, sleeping on half of his bed and having sex with just her. (And yes, visa-versa. Amen.) So, above and beyond looking cute, let’s be AMAZING human beings this year.

Kali Love is my sometimes brilliant, often obnoxious, alter ego. If I’m Chuck D., she’s a bit, well…Flava Flav with hers. So to protect my career as a writer/producer/Veuve Clicquot-sipping philanthrope, I shall remain nameless. But Kali Love? There’s no telling what she’ll say.