Urban Thought Collective

True friends are a blessing and not easy to come by. However, when it comes to your marriage, it’s probably not a good idea to share too much with them because they have more influence on you than you realize. I’ve learned that although well-intentioned, friends may unwittingly contribute to the demise of some marriages (probably many), rather than strengthen them.

Good friends confide in one another—at least women do (and I suspect men do also)–sharing their joys and pains, seeking opinions and counsel from their buddies. However, some of this counsel may further damage your relationship rather than help it. You’ll hear stuff like, “Girl, I wouldn’t take that from him, you should dump him!” or “Guy, why do you put up with that when there’s so many fine women out here?”

Before you know it, if you’re at a point of uncertainty in your marriage, you act on the opinions of friends (many of them single or divorced), and find yourself without a marriage. That’s why there should be an unwritten code between a couple that they’re just certain things that shouldn’t be discussed with anyone else—especially when it comes to your spouse’s vulnerabilities, vices, shortcomings and mistakes. It’s so easy to complain about your spouse, but be advised–what you share just might come back to bite you when you least expect or want it to—and most often, it does. Friends have incredible memories.

Married couples should be able to share their issues and weaknesses with each other and not worry about any of their friends knowing too much about their personal lives. It tends to violate trust, leading to mistrust and communication issues. We’ve got to learn to keep the personal details of our married life, private when it comes to sharing things with our friends—and sometimes even family. Remember, familiarity breeds contempt—many times contempt for your spouse by your friends, or contempt for you for putting up with whatever the situation is. Take it from a former blabbermouth.

There are a few things I’ve learned when it comes to putting friends before spouses and letting them become too involved in your marriage. Here are some lessons learned:

1. Limit the money and time shared with friends when married, no matter how much you want to help or hang out with them. The majority of your money and most of your time should go towards your family/marriage. If parting with either time or money is necessary to assist friends, be wise about how much you share of both. Family first!

2. True friends should know when to speak up or shut up about an issue out of real love and concern for their friend who’s married or single, and who may be going through something in their marriage–but many times they don’t. More often, instead of just listening or offering prayer to their troubled friends, what they offer are insensitive or derisive comments about the relationship. This is true no matter what side of the pond you’re standing on (I’m guilty of it too), and can lead to more uncertainly about the marriage and potential strain in the friendship.

3. Your spouse should be your closest friend. You should be able to talk to them about whatever’s on your mind and heart, first. But if you get to the point where you can’t—get counseling. I know, men tend not to want to go to counseling–a selfish, childish and paranoid mindset (sorry guys, but it’s true), however, that’s for another time.

When I look back (which we shouldn’t do), I sometimes get angry at myself for being so free with giving away money, although I know those were good seeds sown. I’m very loyal to my friends, but tend to get caught up in the drama in their lives, trying to be there for them in their time of need. As a result, I’ve spent more time and money to assist them than I did at home, which wasn’t wise.

The main reason that you should be cautious about sharing certain information with friends about your marriage, is that on those many occasions when you want to kill each other, friends may just hand over the knife. No matter what the situation, if you tell your friends they tend to blow things out of proportion, making matters worse and instead of putting out the flames, they add fuel to the fire. Before you know it, you’re angrier coming out, than you were going in.

This could cost you both your marriage and your friendship. So if you’re in dire straits or in a dangerous situation and just need to get the hell out, please go ahead and tell your friends (the closest one). Other than that, you’d do better talking to someone objective, who can help you see your situation and options more clearly, like a spiritual or marriage counselor—not your friends—objective they are not.

Our friends are very important and bring much joy, fun and great memories to our lives. But if there are issues that can turn the page between a marriage that lasts or one that falls apart, beware that friends may unwittingly play a major part in making those decisions, and they shouldn’t.

So, when we think we want to share certain details about what’s going on in our marriage with friends, to preserve both precious relationships, we should probably think again and just zip it.

Norma Stanley is President/CEO of NFS Communications and Publishing, a multicultural marketing firm specializing in the African American and Disability communities. She is also the mother of a special needs child, and author of “The Elected Lady—Finding Victory in the Challenge,” an inspirational book for and about mothers of special needs children. Married to her high school sweetheart, they have weathered nearly 25 years of marriage, which has seen mostly bright and sunny days, with more than a few stormy rain clouds thrown in for good measure. Stanley’s thoughts on love and marriage are exclusive to www.urbanthoughtcollective.com.