Urban Thought Collective

While reading this month’s Esquire Magazine, the one with Halle Berry on the cover (buy it so they’ll put more black women on the cover), I came across their “10 Things You Don’t Know About Women” feature. Every month a famous actress/model reveals little known secrets about the female species. Well, I’m not famous (yet), or an actress/model, but here’s my version.

Ten Things Men Should Know About (Real) Women (Like Me)

1 ) Yes, a man should put some effort into his grooming, but just so we’re clear, the only kind of polish he should ever sport is on his shoes. Never the nails. Nails should be clean, manicured even, but never, ever polished and never longer than the skin underneath them. Polished nails are girly. Long nails are girly. If I wanted polished, long nailed girly hands exploring and adoring my body, I’d, I’d, well, I’d do it my damn self.

2 ) If you’re a man over the age of say 37 and you’re dating a woman, 32 or older, do not, I repeat, do not tell her you want to get married and have kids unless you are specifically thinking of doing so with her. Like yesterday. Telling a woman you want to get married and have kids is the equivalent of yelling fire in a crowded theater and then being shocked and dismayed when mayhem breaks out.

I get that some of you feel pressured into explaining why you’re still single in your late 30’s (when your slow, low count, irregularly shaped swimmers are responsible for 40% of all infertility issues) and mistakenly believe with one clean sweep you can put to bed the ridiculous notion that you’re gay, or worse on the down low or emotionally unavailable, a player, a pimp, whatever. But believe it or not, grown women will sleep with you without the promise of marriage.

3 ) If you ever think, dream or hope of ever seeing me naked, pick up the tab. Period. If we split the check, you are a friend. Period.

4 ) If we don’t kiss on the first date, we’re friends. Period. It doesn’t have to be a long, involved, tonsil checking kiss, but lip to lip most definitely. In my younger days, I often played coy putting off kissing until the second date, but I know better now. I know what I like. And yes, I like a man who is smart and kind and funny and good to his mother, but I also like a man who can kiss. The sooner I found out what he’s “smacking” the better.

5 ) If it ain’t real, don’t rock it. Nothing is a bigger turn off than a guy rocking a 2 carat cubic zirconium in his ear. Cloudy, cheap, real ones aren’t much better. Men and jewelry is already a dicey issue. Unless you’re a rapper, baller or pimp, twenty or married, jewelry is pretty much a no go. FYI, watches are exempt.

6 ) Don’t ask us to kiss “it” unless it’s too small for us to do anything else to “it.” Cute childish euphemisms for grown up sexual acts stopped being cute the day I learned what euphemism means.

7 ) Threesomes are not out of the question. Right after me, you, and Chiwetel Ejiofor (the tall, dark, and oh-so Britishly handsome actor from Talk To Me and American Gangster) get it on all night long, me, you and whatever skank of your choosing can get it on all night long, too. Tit for tat baby, that’s what I always say.

8 ) I’m a huge fan of the game (football, basketball) but not of a grown men walking around wearing jerseys with another grown man’s name on it. There’s just something creepy about it. But since a few men that I greatly respect insist on wearing them, here are the exceptions to the rule.
A) You are actually at the event where said grown man is playing.
B) A woman bought it for you and you’re wearing it out of respect for her.
C) It’s vintage, i.e. Brooklyn Dodgers.
D) The guy whose name is plastered across your back is deceased, i.e. Jackie Robinson of the Brooklyn Dodgers.
E) Due to some natural disaster, i.e. fire, hurricane, earthquake, the entire content of your closet is ruined and said jersey is all the Red Cross had to offer.

9 ) Never underestimate the power of flowers.

10 ) Real woman can handle the truth.

Tamara T. Gregory is a writer/producer/traveler. Happily single (yes, there really is such a thing), she is an expert on the dating game. Her debut novel, Passport Diaries, is an LA Times bestseller and is soon to become a Hollywood motion picture. The book is available at www.passportdiaries.com. Gregory’s X…WHY blog is exclusive to Urban Thought Collective.