Urban Thought Collective

Have you ever looked over at your significant other and wondered where the person you were first attracted to had disappeared and what it was that drew you to them in the first place? Was it their bright and flirtatious smile, their rich laughter, their smoldering eyes, the sexy way they walked, the wonderful conversations and debates you would have about everything? Then, down the line it seems those initial attractions have unknowingly slipped away.

Sometimes the reason for this is not so much about not paying attention or not caring for each other, but more of the fact that life happens and no one really does it intentionally. Well, some do, but they don’t count. Yet, one day you look up and find that more than sugar, a little bit more salt and pepper had gone into the marriage mix and the sweetness had disappeared. Let’s get real–even in the best of relationships, this is bound to happen at times. The key is to recognize those times when they appear and not allow the negatives to outweigh the overall positives.

What my husband and I have learned to do over the years as we approach our silver anniversary (next August and I’m still amazed by it!), is to go back in time and remember when. It’s become sort of a game for us and in times of strife, it makes us laugh and it makes us appreciate who we were and who we’ve become. Again, this is after going through trial, error and much spiritual counseling, but divorce was not an option for us—at least not until we had exhausted every possibility there was to make it work and work it was!

There were a few reasons for our determination not to end our marriage. One reason was because we continue to be in awe of the love, respect and friendship his parents still have for each other after more than 50 years of marriage. Not having grown up in that wholesome atmosphere, I wanted that for our marriage and having grown up in that atmosphere, he wanted a marriage like that. The other reasons are because we still do have deep feelings for each other and I don’t give up very easily. That character trait has held me well in all aspects of my life.

They say you can’t go back again and yes, it’s extremely challenging. If there is even a tenuous line linking you together and both are willing, the line won’t get too hard to hold on to. Our links happened to be our commitment to our commitment, our special needs daughter and our years of great memories, leading us both to repeatedly pull the other back in.

I do believe you can go home again by remembering not to forget. We need to remember to forgive and let go of the selfishness, grudges and anger. Depending on where you are in your spiritual growth, it takes remembering God’s word about marriages and what they represent. It means remembering the connection, rather than the disconnection, remembering the laughter, remembering the passion, promises and the purpose, and most of all, remembering the love.

No one wants to live in a fool’s paradise and no one should have to. But it is possible to find those two people who were initially drawn to each other to find those true feelings once again—if they ever really existed.

So, what do you do when you’re in that place where you can’t picture what drew you to your spouse or significant other in the first place? I’ll share what I do when those times come around; those crazy times when I look at my husband and think “who the hell are you?” I close my eyes, go to my quiet place, play my favorite song that fits the mood of the moment, and remember. My husband may not use music, but he also has his quiet place to take time to remember.

As a music aficionado, I often refer to the lyrics of songs that have meaning to me and play them at different moments of my life for inspiration and reflection, as you’ve probably already noticed. Angela Winbush, a favorite R&B singer of mine, has a song I’ve always loved, called “Your Smile.” Towards the end it says, “Nothing means as much, like that special touch of your smile. If anything I miss, how can I resist, your smile? Baby smile, when you smile, everything’s alright, when you smile. Nothing means as much, nothing seems to touch, when you smile, you light my life, baby.”

For me, it was mostly his smile and his quiet personality, which he still has. He says for him, it was the fact that I always seemed glad to see him (which I still do—when I’m not pissed at him), and everything else about me. What can I say? I roll like that.

OK, he’s most likely exaggerating about the “everything else” part, but hey, it works for me and we’re still together. We’ve learned how to remember not to forget, even while we look forward.

Norma Stanley is President/CEO of NFS Communications and Publishing, a multicultural marketing firm specializing in the African American and Disability communities. She is also the mother of a special needs child, and author of “The Elected Lady—Finding Victory in the Challenge,” an inspirational book for and about mothers of special needs children. Married to her high school sweetheart, they have weathered nearly 25 years of marriage, which has seen mostly bright and sunny days, with more than a few stormy rain clouds thrown in for good measure. Stanley’s thoughts on love and marriage are exclusive to www.urbanthoughtcollective.com.