ADVICE/HUMOR/RELATIONSHIPS

HOW TO BE A MAN TAMER:
PART IV

Just last week, we were chatting in a one-sided way about the three categories of Man Tamer communication, which were roughly: suck it up, address it immediately and be done with it, and give it some thought and figure out the very best way to address it.

And what I hope to have stressed thus far, is that if you’re a Man Tamer (and I promise to teach you the ins and outs of being one) AND you have a do-right man, there just aren’t a lot of these Come to Jesus conventions to be had. Fact is, you’re looking good, smelling good and acting right, he thinks you are the best thing since oxygen, he knows he’s lucky to be dating you, he knows that you know he’s lucky to be dating you and you’re both doing the best you can to grow and enjoy each other and the relationship. Ahh, bliss…

But since I am an eternal optimist, but not a damn fool, I’m well aware that there are those times when all of a sudden somebody starts acting crazy and forgets that you know how lucky they are to be with you and then, my friends, you got a situation on your hands. Which brings us to Man Tamer communication number three…that special, special place when your man has done the unthinkable and you say to yourself, “I can’t believe this MF would do some shit like that, wait ‘till…”-and then through the magic of technology, I’ve freeze-framed you and this is where our lesson begins.

Let’s start with what you’re NOT going to do. You’re not going to tell him in five different languages how he messed up and start what the hell type of woman does he think you are-ing. You’re not going to drunk dial your mother/random friends/neighbors/coworkers talking about, “Girl, you won’t believe what he did” and telling all his business so that they’re looking at him cross-eyed come Thanksgiving. And you’re not going to start throwing clothes and high school trophies and golf clubs onto the lawn. (You’re not, right?) You’re going to ask yourself one simple question…Am I staying or leaving?

You’re leaving? OK, your journey stops right about here, so thanks for playing and good luck with that, girl! Better you than me and sometimes you just have to leave, so adios and in the words of my best buddy-take care, brush your hair.

You’re staying? OK, then let’s reshuffle your focus. The focus used to be-how could he and who does he think he is and various other blah, blah, blahs; the focus now is—it happened, I didn’t like it and never again like the Holocaust. And here’s how you communicate that once you have settled down and gotten back into your skin.

Let’s just try a scenario on. You and your man have plans to see a Prince concert and you’re all dressed up in your Zanotti’s smelling like the Brooklyn Botanical Garden and you’re waiting…and waiting….and waiting. Nothing. Until like 10 minutes after the concert began and he calls to say he can’t make it. (Now granted, I’m already in an orchestra seat sending him a text like, Second number’s about to start! XOXO) But we’re talking about you and perhaps you got blind-sided and starting wondering if he got into an accident and maybe he’s at the hospital and can’t call you and various other death scenarios we tell ourselves when we get stood up. But sooner or later, you’re gonna have to chit-chat about it and here’s how you do it:

1. Ask if you can have a conversation. A simple, “Hey, can I share something with you?” Notice that ended with a question mark and was NOT any form of “We gotta talk, now.” No good, trust me. And don’t set yourself up by asking when he’s on a deadline, when he’s leaving the house or during a game.

2. Acknowledge that he isn’t trying to make you go ballistic on purpose: “I know it wasn’t your intention, but…”

3. Present your interpretation of the fiasco, what the correct action would have been and how you reacted to it. “When you said that we were going to the concert and then didn’t arrive when you promised or call in advance, that really upset me…”

4. Tell him where you are now. “And I’m bringing it up because I want to trust that you’re a man of your word and I’m having a really hard time doing that right now.”

OK, what did he get from this: he messed up big time, you know exactly how you want to be treated and you would love for him to be the person who treats you that way, but if that’s too much to ask for, you’re going to have to bounce. Love ya! Any smart do-right man will hear this loud and clear and any dumb, do-wrong man will take this opportunity to start calling you a lot less frequently, if ever, because he’s not trying to hear a bunch of crap just because he was an hour late ‘cause his supervisor wouldn’t let him leave and his cell phone battery was dead and what was he supposed to do? Damn, women are always complaining about something!

Which brings us to Phase Two, when you learn that despite the pass you gave him, the “I’m sorry, I’m gonna do right” conversation you had a while back and a couple of “don’t sweat its” because you know that bad habits don’t usually change overnight…enough is a frigging ‘nough already and somebody’s about to get beaten with a wiffle ball bat and it’s not gonna be you. So you approach it again, just real smooth, kinda like a female Billy Dee.

“Hey babe, I know we’ve talked about this before, but I’ve noticed that you’ll say you’re going to arrive at a specific time and quite a few times, you’ve been late and I’m really getting frustrated and I don’t have a solution. What do you want me to do?”

Again, do-right man says to himself, OK, she had to tell me what she wanted again and she’s not one of those bullshit chicks that’s just gonna fall out and run her mouth, but let me keep acting trifling, so I either need to step, or change my game. And he’ll tell you that you don’t need to do anything; he’s got it. And if you’re a Man Tamer, AND HE’S READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP, he’s going to change so fast that it will feel like a damn Christmas miracle. I wouldn’t lie to you. Which brings us to the last phase.

Phase Three: presto magic, he’s arriving early or calling well in advance with a change of plan like a grown frigging man already and you even did the Man Tamer and threw him a reinforcement fiesta out of the blue like, “You know what, babe? I just really love that I can always trust that you’re going to do what you say you do. Other women have to put up with so much drama.” Happy, happy, joy, joy. OR unfortunately, he’s just not ready to date grown folks and being the Man Tamer you are, you surrender him to his highest good. Awww…so sad for him. Now, ladies and gentlemen, it’s back to our regularly scheduled program

Kali Love