Urban Thought Collective

Today’s weddings are beautiful to witness and heartwarming events to attend. It all starts out so fairy tale-like and in many marriages today, money is no object (or couples pretend like it isn’t) in creating a wonderful memory—even if it breaks the bank. A typical wedding today consists of a beautiful bride with the Vera Wang dress ($2,000 minimum), the custom inscribed rings with a 3-carat (or larger) diamond for the bride ($10,000 minimum); the filet mignon and lobster dinner for 200 ($15,000); the designer cake ($1,500); and the honeymoon to some exotic location or on some expensive cruise– perfect for indulging in loving and leisure ($10,000).

The cost of taking the time to think about what marriage really means for both parties, and what you’re really getting yourself into—priceless!

Even after spending that kind of moola, many couples don’t really think about investing much effort in staying married, so there are no returns on their investment. You’ve got to be committed to the time it takes for it to flourish. However, in most marriages, the relationships don’t even last as long as it takes to pay off the debt from the wedding. We spend lots of time planning it, but very little time weighing the stormy voyage on the love boat we’re about to cruise on. Not taking stock of the rights and the wrongs, the why’s, will’s (both the intention and the document shared upon someone’s death), and the won’ts. All this does not even include the do’s and the don’ts, which can quickly take the wind out of the sails of many a marriage.

Usually, the only thing we have thoroughly explored in our relationships is sex, which I admit, makes the trip on the love boat exciting and new. But once the storms hit, are we really ready for what comes next? One of my favorite songs is New Edition’s “Can You Stand The Rain.” A portion of the lyrics say, “Sunny days, everybody has them, tell me baby, can you stand the rain?” It goes on to say, “love unconditional, I’m not asking this of you, but to make it last, tell me can you weather a storm? ‘Cause I need somebody, who will stand by me, through the good times and bad times, you will always, always be right there.”

Unfortunately, that’s not the case in most married relationships today. Couples really don’t understand what it means to be strong where the other is weak—to always be there, nor in many cases, do they want to understand. It’s more of a “go for what you know” situation. So after one or two bumps along the road, someone in the marriage—if not both, is ready to bounce. I’ve been married a long time, but it wasn’t until recently that I understood what it meant when the vows said “and the two shall become one.” That means one in everything. Sharing everything, talking about everything, making decisions together about everything. Basically, getting into each other’s business about everything. Who knew?

Yes, we’re allowed our “free to be me” times. In fact, it’s critical! But in lasting marriages, certain things are no longer just “your” business, but “our” business. This takes putting egos and self to the side–not a very easy thing to do. At least it wasn’t for me, or my husband for that matter. That’s why it’s important—prior to jumping the broom, to take time for some serious individual and collective thought—about everything.

Issues such as finance, spirituality, long term careers goals, having children, etc., are vital discussions to have prior to tying the knot, but even in today’s more enlightened times, these issues are ignored. Again, this is wisdom my husband and I didn’t have or knew to discuss at the onset of our marriage. We are really just coming to terms with them now, years later. In fact, it’s a miracle we’re still together. We can only attribute that to God knowing better than the both of us where we’d be today.

As a result, I’m happy to share some of that wisdom with you. What happens to couples when undying passion turns to mostly being pissed off, your money starts getting funny, the love language turns to foul language, when he wants his sports and alone time and she wants her romance and together time? What happens when both your hectic careers separate you for weeks at a time–not to mention how to cope when children enter into the equation?

What happens then? Well, if you haven’t developed some kind of firm foundation—including learning to love unconditionally, giving respect, forgiveness, patience and spirituality being the core of your relationship, married life can turn to sour as lemons very quickly. These things aren’t learned overnight.

This is when the real “For Better or For Worse” part kicks in, which many of us conveniently forget was part of what we vowed. That for better or for worse thing…it’s real, and not necessarily equally distributed. As a result, many of us are unprepared for being thrown off that love boat when the storms hit, because we wanted only the sun and the beautiful sunsets and not the storms and the rain. Yet, as it is with everything or anything of worth in life, you’ve got to take the good with the bad, the bitter with the sweet, the happy with the sad and hopefully not accept defeat.

Marriage is a wonderful journey between two people who love each other and who are ready to face the challenges of life together. To tell you the truth, you may never really be ready. In real marriages, being in love eventually turns to just loving, and does not always mean either party is always loveable or that things won’t go incredibly wrong–often. What it does mean is loving each other enough not to bail out or jump ship when things get rough. there will be days (many days) when the tides and currents threaten to sweep you under. But it doesn’t have to—if you don’t want it to. Of course, situations vary and there are some instances when you have no choice but to jump ship. For those who are committed to making things work, there are many calm and beautiful seas ahead.

So, to make it abundantly clear, for today’s prospective brides and grooms, (and those who still may be early in the process), if you’re not fully prepared to deal with the unknown, the uncertain, the unexpected, the unlovable and the unforgivable and love each other anyway, you’d better rethink things. Those are some of the “worst’s” you need to get prepared for if you’re serious about interweaving the coming years of your life with your boo’s life.

If not, you’d be better off donating all that love, money, effort and time spent on the wedding to providing comfort, food, clothes and shelter to those that need it here and in Africa.

Even though not making a true effort to make your marriage work may mean possibly passing up on one of life’s greatest experiences, at least you would have helped fill the needs of others and it would be a nice tax deduction.

Norma Stanley is the mother of a special needs child, and author of “The Elected Lady—Finding Victory in the Challenge,” an inspirational book for and about mothers of special needs children. Married to her high school sweetheart, they have weathered nearly 25 years of marriage, which has seen mostly bright and sunny days, with more than a few rain clouds thrown in for good measure. Stanley is President/CEO of NFS Communications and Publishing, a multicultural marketing firm specializing in the African American and Disability communities. Her thoughts on love and marriage are exclusive to www.urbanthoughtcollective.com.