Urban Thought Collective

Alright ladies, it seems the fellas have a few first date pet peeves about us they’d like to get off their very hairy chests and because some of you take these blogs waaaay too seriously, let me just state, since I don’t date women, this is all hearsay. I questioned a bunch of dudes and this is what they came up with. I am merely reporting their reality.

Pet Peeve #1
On a first date, it is not cool to order the most expensive thing on the menu unless:

A) He tells you to.

B) He was stupid enough to answer yes when you were stupid enough to ask him if you looked fat in your jeans.

C) You plan on giving him some later. What exactly qualifies for “some’ is open for debate, but all men polled agreed a goodnight kiss didn’t qualify unless it’s the kind of “kiss” that requires him to unzip his pants.

My personal rule of thumb is never order something I wouldn’t order if I were paying the bill. Translation; I like toro. Toro ain’t cheap. When I go out with my girls, I order often toro, therefore if a man takes me out for sushi (my favorite for those of you keeping tabs on my likes and dislikes) I would have no qualms ordering toro unless it was in fact the most expensive thing on the menu and then the ABC rules would again come into play.

Now fellas, my one word of caution to you is, don’t take a chick to a steak house and get mad if, in fact, she orders a big juicy steak. Same rule applies for a seafood joint. There’s a real chance you wet a girl’s appetite for some seafood, she just might, surprise, surprise, order lobster. Cover your ass a little bit. Do some research. Find a nice restaurant that you can afford and she’ll be impressed by. Personally, unless we’re in the middle of Podunk, nowhere, and no other options are available, please refrain from the Houston’s and the Cheesecake Factories of the world. You know, places where you take your mother.

But enough about what you do wrong, back to what we do wrong.

Pet Peeve #2
Apparently ladies, some of us have a tendency to not only bring our past dating baggage along for the ride, we actually unpack that sucker. Unfolding our dirty laundry like it’s the most natural thing in the world. No dude wants to hear how cheap the last dude you dated was, especially while you’re slurping down your second $13 apple martini that he’s paying for.

Other topics to avoid, sexual relations (either good or bad) with your ex, your ex’s low-down shiftless ways, his mama, baby mama, or grandmamma who, truth be told, is really his mama, etc. Every relationship deserves a fresh start. A fresh chance to sail or derail itself on its own merits. Don’t judge the new guy on the good or bad standards of the old one. My advice, if you find yourself in a position where your mouth runneth over about your past, just shut up and pretend you’re a virgin. In fact, just shut up period and be happy you are not sitting at home, alone, on a Friday night, watching re-runs of ANTM.

Pet Peeve #3
You don’t get to show up wearing heels that make you three inches taller, Spanx that make you three inches skinnier, a weave that make your hair three inches longer, a bra or surgery that makes your boobs three inches bigger and then brag about how real and down to earth you are. It’s hypocritical. It’s unfair. It makes you sound like a nutbox.

Moreover, if you are wearing any of the above cut the guy some slack if he too happened to fudge on little on his stats. People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones and all that jazz. So he’s not six feet tall and he can’t still dunk, a basketball that is, donuts he’s very adept at. The truth is science and the cosmetic and fashion industries haven’t quite figured out how to help men not look like themselves at the same rate that they have helped women. Prince is the only short man alive who can rock a pair of heels and still get laid. By a woman.

Bottom line, a little lie here and there, may not be the healthiest way to start off a new relationship, but forgivable. Now homeboy tells you he’s financially independent and it turns out he lives in his mom’s garage, go ahead and order the lobster.

Tamara T. Gregory is a writer/producer/traveler. Happily single (yes, there really is such a thing), she is an expert on the dating game. Her debut novel, Passport Diaries, is an LA Times bestseller and is soon to become a Hollywood motion picture. The book is available at www.passportdiaries.com. Gregory’s X…WHY blog is exclusive to Urban Thought Collective.