Urban Thought Collective

Well, my dears, after a brief hiatus, it’s time to get back on the program. The Man Taming program, that is. If you’ve been journeying with me for the past two installments, you know that I’ve told you in about three different languages what NOT to say if you want to attract and keep and enjoy a do-right man. But finally, we’re at the moment we’ve been anticipating….If I can’t nag him and I can’t fix him, (but I damn sure can’t leave him all half-baked) WHAT THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY? I thought you’d never ask.

You know, I’ve read so many books and watched so many hundreds of Oprahs and gone to so many seminars, but it just seems like no one could walk me through the “how and what to say when” of things, so we’re gonna take this slooowwwwly, chicas.

Until further notice, Man Tamer communication falls into three categories.

1) Suck It Up
Yup. Take it like a woman. You’re a woman. He’s a man. You’re different, you speak different languages and you have different hormones coursing through your bodies, but you’re in the same playground every day, so somebody’s gonna get hurt. Here’s the thing…from what I’ve heard, it takes about five good years to get two people on the same page (OK, that’s code for “to fix a man,” but I’m trying to be sneaky, so you’re going to have to read between the lines in the future, got it?) So what that means is, if you are so busy lint brushing every single hair, not only are you going to get sick and tired real quickly, HE’S GOING TO STOP HEARING YOU. Get that? It’s gonna get real, “Yeah, sure honey, anything you say, just move from in front of the television” in your casa if you are always trying to have a frigging sidebar about every little and big thing. And there will be a ton of them. Daily.

Here’s what types of goodies goes into the “suck it up” grab bag: It’s not gonna make or break you or the relationship, but it’s annoying…. It’s not truly hurting you, him or anyone else, it just slightly grates on your nerves… It makes him happy to do it, even though it makes your eye twitch a little bit.

This can be anything from he eats Cheetos and licks his fingers, he eats box cereal like it’s a frigging meal, he still eats Hostess cupcakes, to he has bad posture (stop judging me, ladies…this is not about me, it’s about you)…you get the point. Your job is to stop looking at the train wreck, all the while telling yourself, “He’s not hurting anyone, he’s not hurting anyone, he’s not hurting anyone.”

2) Address It Immediately and Be Done With It
Now we’re moving from ant hill to molehill. Some things just need to be addressed and tout de suite or else one day, somebody’s gonna get smothered with a pillow and it’s not gonna be you. If it’s a small, fixable issue that will continue to upset you if he does it or says it again, address it immediately, but like a lady and not like your really soulful, but so good with a hot comb hairdresser.

Here’s what goes into the “address it immediately like a lady” category: Must be something that if you don’t address, and he does or says it again, it will piss you off a little more each time until you snap…. Must be something he can stop immediately or prevent repeating…. Must be fixable, including a sincere apology… Must be something you are willing to let go and NOT revive from the dead after he fixes it or apologizes.

Example: You’re dog tired from working all day and you cook dinner and instead of throwing you a fiesta, he says, “You know, you should cook more often.” Or worse, “Oh my God, you cooked? It must be Christmas!” You want to stab him in the neck with a very dull dessert fork.

You want to get all passive-aggressive and say: Well, maybe if I didn’t work all day and somebody actually came home when the said they would and knew how to do a load of laundry and…you could go on and on and then he’d talk about how hard he works and then you’d talk about his mama and next minute, plates are flying or you just get really frigid and lost in your evil thoughts promising yourself and God that you will never cook him another meal. BUT, YOU’RE A MAN TAMER, SO YOU DON’T. What to do?

I always try to use humor first. If it works, I laugh, he laughs, we squash it, everybody’s happy. And since I’m the most sarcastic Man Tamer on the planet, I’d say, “Yassah, massa I sho hope it to yo’ likin’, Sir.” Which loosely translates as, “Slavery is over and I work too, so if you want your next hot meal, you might want to act right or you and Uncle Ben are going to be best friends. Hee, hee, hee, MF.” See how that works…evil on the inside, funny on the outside. *What this ISN’T is a snarky low blow like, “Yeah and maybe Santa will upgrade this cheap ass ring.” Kinda hilarious, but not funny.

But sometimes it’s a little more serious and you gotta take a breath and say, “Babe, can I share something? (And then he says, “Why yes, dear, what seems to be troubling you?” Or maybe just, “What?”) I know you didn’t mean it in a bad way, but when you said that, it kind of upset me.” And all the while, you realize that however inconsiderate and stupid a thing it was to say, it wasn’t fighting words, it just rubbed YOU sideways and reminded you that you have some other isms and frustrations you should have addressed immediately. Chances are, your do-right man will give you some form of an “I’m sorry” and then you tell him that you’re feeling really generous today, so it’s squashed. Shirley Temple smile. Point taken. Pass the potatoes.

3) Give it some thought and figure out the very best way to address it, at the very best time.
We have reached the mountaintop: He done messed up and you’re PISSED!

This may sound crazy, but you know what? You’re not in the right frame of mind to talk to anyone because all of your isms are inflamed and you’re having flashbacks to your old relationships and the way your father treated your mother and if you open your mouth, there’s gonna be some MF bombs and low blows and that’s bad for business. I know, I know…you’re right and he’s wrong and why should you have to take a time out, he should have thought about that before he…yup, girlie. I’ve been there.

Call me a tree-hugging hippie, but YOU DO NOT HAVE A RIGHT TO YELL AT ANYONE OR DISRESPECT ANYONE. AND YOU NEED TO LOOK AT WHY SOMEONE ELSE’S FLAWS MAKE YOU SO MAD THAT YOU START YELLING AND WHY AT YOUR AGE YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITHOUT RAISING YOUR VOICE AND CURSING. There. All done. Whew.

And I swear to Buddha that I am not trying to leave you with a cliff-hanger, but after all, this is a blog and the last level of effective communication is a huge one, so my pretties…let’s just start with steps one and two and we’ll tackle Mount Kilimanjaro next time around.

Men…

No advice from me today. We love you. And that’s exactly why it hurts so much when you act like a damn…just kidding. Hee, hee. XXOO

Kali Love is my sometimes brilliant, often obnoxious, alter ego. If I’m Chuck D., she’s a bit, well…Flava Flav with hers. So to protect my career as a writer/producer/Veuve Clicquot-sipping philanthrope, I shall remain nameless. But Kali Love? There’s no telling what she’ll say.