Urban Thought Collective

So I was sitting at my desk minding my own business like I normally do (although I “observe” the goings on around me) and found myself in the middle of a very intriguing conversation I want to further explore with you.

The conversation was between a black heterosexual man and a black homosexual man about black male sexuality. The straight guy said the gay guy is the “straightest gay man” he knows. The gay guy asked him if he felt that way because he doesn’t exhibit feminine ways. It got me thinking: can a man have feminine ways without being accused of being gay?

The gay dude said straight dudes don’t leave room for a man to be feminine without being accused of being gay because feminine ways are considered weak in a man. But what is considered weak?

So a few days later a friend of mine called and told me she was basically not into this dude who was pushing up on her. I asked her why and she said he’s too effeminate for her taste. I asked her how and she said his mocking of women was a little too accurate. (He also rubbed her the wrong way by making too many “Shaquinta” jokes that belittled hood chicks. She found it disrespectful to women.)

While listening to her I realized I felt the same way and recalled how certain guys’ impersonations made me question their sexuality. We felt there’s a line we don’t want men to cross. But I started wondering whether it’s fair to put restrictions on a man’s manhood, and at the same time, wanting someone who honors the feminine Goddess – keeping with the belief (at least mine) that God is feminine and masculine. How can I on one hand say that’s what I want in a mate and then on the other hand question his manhood if he does?

I wonder how this affects black men defining their manhood and their ability to express themselves freely without fear of being called “soft.” And what is that?

I asked some folks their definition of soft and I got some pretty interesting answers.

A couple (straight) guys said being soft was lack of courage and strength, with one explaining it in football terms, which went completely over my head. But I think he meant it’s soft for a man to not go the distance, to be a quitter. A (gay) dude said he knows a straight dude, which he described as a metrosexual, who’s married with children. And when he’s at work he’s very aggressive, but outside of work, he’s a tad bit effeminate. He said he has two different sides and one is softer, but not weak. I even asked a woman and she said she defines a man being soft by being mentally and emotionally weak.

I know one male friend always says that men just want a soft place to go where they can be themselves without being judged or considered “soft.” Is this true? And what do men do if they don’t have that space?

Man, I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have the freedom to cry without being judged. I’m a black woman in America AND I believe in women’s empowerment AND the upliftment of all marginalized folks… This society will give you something to cry about with those kinds of values! I personally think all black folks need counseling and a good cry every now and then. But that’s another blog subject.

I know it’s a short blog this week, but I’m actually going to continue to explore this topic. I’d love to get your feedback.

Can a man have feminine ways without being accused of being gay? When do you think he crosses the line?

What traits make a man strong? What makes him “soft?”

This is definitely helping me understand how I view men, their manhood and what I need to change about myself in order to receive the love I want. I hope it helps you too.

To UTC readers: In all that we seek to be or do or have, we humbly realize that in the Presence is our power to think, our very thought of aspiration, our will to commence, our strength to keep on, our power to achieve, and the glory of all our accomplishments. This is the Truth and it is now done. ~ A prayer from “Discover the Power Within You”

Envisioning you with much love, light and fulfillment. See you next week.

Yaminah Ahmad is editor-in-chief of The Atlanta Voice and contributing editor to Collective Voices, a newspaper published by the non-profit, SisterSong: Women of Color Reproductive Health Collective. More information on the group can be found at www.sistersong.net. Ahmad can be reached at missyaminah@gmail.com.