ADVICE/RELATIONSHIPS

HOW TO BE A MAN TAMER, PART I

You know, I really didn’t want to do this-it’s so early in our loving, but somewhat anonymous relationship, but I have to.

Ladies…this might hurt a little.

I’ve been perusing the other blogs written by so many brilliant brothers and sisters, not to mention causing a ruckus in about twenty different countries for 30-ish years and I’ve heard a lot of complaining about one of my very favorite things in life besides God, breathing, meditating, eating, Giuseppe Zanotti shoes and some other R-rated stuff…MEN.

Men are getting a bad rap and as someone who’s hopelessly in love with men and ridiculously addicted to BLACK men in particular, I just gotta go ahead and say it. I wouldn’t be Kali Love if I didn’t. Women, it’s not THEM, it’s YOU. Yes, you. Um hmm, you. Not a typo, y-o-u. And now that we’ve gotten that straight and you’re all agasp and outraged, let’s get a healing going on.

Kali’s gonna tell you how to be a Man Tamer. I know, it’s a lot to handle, not to mention for free, but it’s Wednesday, I don’t have a job and you’ve earned it, because despite your flaws, I know you’re beautiful and you deserve the very best and I’m tired of all the whining. So, here goes…

Oh, one more thing. I guess you need to know what a Man Tamer is, just in case you’d rather be the chick who’s always begging and pleading someone into your life then crying and throwing bricks and pity parties when he’s gone. Okey dokey.

A Man Tamer is a woman who men want to possess. Kinda like how they feel when they see a brand spanking new Bentley Coup. A Man Tamer never has to ask in that really whiny voice, “What are weeeee?” because guys wants to put her on lock by about date two. A Man Tamer never has to ask a man to stay the night after sex and if she tries to leave, he’s all, “It’s late, I don’t want you driving. We should get breakfast in the morning, Wait-I think I hear somebody trying to break in.” (Besides, he’s too busy snoring with his arm around you in a chokehold).

A Man Tamer gets to decide which man is right for her and takes her time about making one of the most important decisions in her life—committing to the right man. A Man Tamer is so happy, healthy and supported in her own life that men can’t wait to hear her voice on the phone and feel like they’re at Club Med when they’re in her presence. When a Man Tamer is really loving or cries on her man’s shoulder, he actually likes her more, and on and on and on…you get the point. It’s like frigging Disneyland for chicks!!! But it takes some work and some patience, so we’re going to have to take this in bite-sized pieces over the course of some months. Ready, chicas?

1) NO NAGGING.

Yep, I just shhh’ed you. Nobody wants to hear your mouth. Sorry, I just had to go ahead and get that straight. In the words of AMC Theatres, silence is golden. And in the words of the delicious Dr. Pat Allen, “You don’t have nagging rights, you have leaving rights.” What do you do instead? I’m glad you asked. Try this …when he disappoints you, DON’T SAY ANYTHING negative. Just give yourself a “duly noted” and put it down in his permanent file. Save the “come to Jesus” meetings for non-negotiables like condoms (Lord, why is this still a topic of discussion? Why, God, why?) and STD tests. If that sounds like crazy talk, it’s probably because you’re a NAG and you’ve somehow convinced yourself that the 1 out of 8 times you’ve gotten the result you want is good enough. And that’s why you’re not a Man Tamer. OK, OK, I promise to be nicer.

Men that are serious about you and really want a committed, healthy relationship pretty much know when they just F’ed up. Granted, when you “say nothing,” Dumb Guy is gonna be like, “Score! I can run all over her!” and then he’s gonna feel really stupid next week when you’re no longer answering his calls. But three out of four times, the guy who really values you is going to duly note that you didn’t say shinola even though he knows darn well he forgot to make the reservation, was a little late, or even worse, was a little “premature” ‘round about midnight. Then he’ll correct the behavior on his own because he knows that if you’re happy, it’s all bells and whistles and handcuffs and if you’re not, you respect yourself enough to move on.

What this is not is doormatting, which is putting out a red carpet and velvet ropes for someone to act crazy. It’s called picking your battles and only accepting treatment that you like. Men are great at figuring things out. If he always calls you late, but now his after 10pm calls go straight to voicemail, what do you think he’s gonna do? He’ll call some other chick who accepts 2am chit-chat because he’s not really into you, or start calling you at a Christian hour. See how that works? No nagging. No, “It really hurts my feelings and makes me think that you think I’m a two-dollar hooker when you do that…” Just a whole lot of press 1 to leave a message.

But Kali…isn’t communication necessary for a healthy relationship? Isn’t that playing games, waaahhhh.

This is the thing about nagging, which is repeating yourself, usually in a really annoying voice, or stating the frigging obvious with the hope of brow-beating someone into instantly changing their behavior…if it worked, it wouldn’t be nagging because you’d only have to say it once. And here’s why it doesn’t…

Lovely and grown up as your man may be, there’s a negative reflex that happens when he does something wrong and then has to hear about how wrong it was. If you have a do-right man, he wants to do right (and if you have a do-wrong man, stop flapping your gums and get some counseling, leave, or suck it up, ‘cause that’s who you’ve chosen out of the 3.5 billion men on planet earth.) Do-right men get really tense when they’re late to get you, or break a promise, or disappoint you…even if they’re in a frigging pattern because they’ve been spoiled by so many Take Anything chicks (umm hmm, especially in LA—can I get a witness?). And along with feeling like he F’ed up, he’s already bracing himself to hear your mouth, just like his Mom and his Grandma and Big Grandma and all the other chicks he suddenly lost interest in, and then you open a can of whoop ass with “It’s OK, honey. I’m sure we’ll be fine.” and give him a Shirley Temple smile and guess frigging what? You’re one step closer to being a Man Tamer.

Ahh, Men…

Men, I’m on your team, but I’m gonna need just a tad bit of help helping you. Do us a big favor, por favor. When you F up, don’t get all Vlade Divac and fall out and make a scene, or act all Latrell and pick a fight even though you’re wrong. Just do the Derek Fisher and put your hand up first and say you fouled…no explanations and no excuses. Kinda sorta like this: “Babe, I’m so sorry that I’m running about 15 minutes late. I can’t wait to see you.”

Ahhh…can’t you just hear the silence?

Kali Love is my sometimes brilliant, often obnoxious, alter ego. If I’m Chuck D., she’s a bit, well…Flava Flav with hers. So to protect my career as a writer/producer/Veuve Clicquot-sipping philanthrope, I shall remain nameless. But Kali Love? There’s no telling what she’ll say. My collection is exclusive to www.urbanthoughtcollective.com.


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Comments

August 26th, 2008 at 10:08 pm SweetSis says:

Slay ‘em , Kali!

August 26th, 2008 at 10:35 pm Ed80 says:

If You Say So…

August 26th, 2008 at 10:57 pm thelma says:

OMG how funny are you? Girl please whip the ladies in shape. We about to have a black First Lady. We gotta get our families tight! Tough love is a goood thing, my people!

August 26th, 2008 at 11:08 pm 2know2love says:

**can’t stop laughing**
partly cuz I see myself in some of these!

August 26th, 2008 at 11:51 pm Krista Wills says:

All I can say is “Word!”

August 26th, 2008 at 11:55 pm Nubian CoCo says:

You are dynamite!

August 27th, 2008 at 12:05 am Black Market says:

Let em know Kali. Let em know!

August 27th, 2008 at 1:58 am Chatty Cathy says:

“A Christian hour” - I ain’t heard that in decades - lmao - hilarious.

August 27th, 2008 at 4:07 am CeaseNYC says:

Bells whistles and handcuffs? Not mad. LOL

August 27th, 2008 at 4:22 am Diallo Tyson says:

Finally! A woman is championing the “Stop Nagging” movement. You are ahead of your time. Ladies, I hope you are taking notes:)

August 27th, 2008 at 6:23 am nicq says:

Wow…neva looked at it in that perspective…lol but that vlade divac remark was hilarious!

August 27th, 2008 at 8:45 am Mr.Fantastic says:

Two words…Cold Blooded! lol

August 27th, 2008 at 8:54 am lilmamma86 says:

That what Im talking about Chick. Rep it for the Ladies. But you know I keep my men tame anyways…OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!! lol

August 27th, 2008 at 9:14 am K Williams says:

If he wants you, he’ll show it and you won’t have to fight for it. It ain’t supposed to be hard, ya’ll.
Good advice Kali!

August 27th, 2008 at 9:49 am Stephanie says:

For real Kali Love!! I’m a woman and hearing other women nag works my last nerve. This is too funny and too true. Live it, love it or leave it!!

August 27th, 2008 at 10:18 am B.M. says:

LOL, I thought I was the only one who spoke of Christian hours!

August 27th, 2008 at 12:15 pm Tina says:

LMAO. I love the way you write it has such swagger. Love it, love it and can’t agree more!

August 27th, 2008 at 12:18 pm Conrad Sharpe says:

This is right on. Like, really.

August 27th, 2008 at 12:23 pm pmatters says:

You got me at the Giuseppe’s! Haha!! Go on with your bad self Man Tamer!

August 27th, 2008 at 12:32 pm Lottie Markus says:

SPEAK IT!

August 27th, 2008 at 12:35 pm buttabrown says:

I love that you love black men.. they are beautiful creatures. How long did it take you to create these rules? How much trial and error? I can’t wait for the next one!

August 27th, 2008 at 12:41 pm buttabrown says:

OH… AND THOSE ARE SOME HOT A** SHOES! lol

August 27th, 2008 at 12:42 pm doumind says:

ok the bball analogies are hysterical

August 27th, 2008 at 3:12 pm heatmizer says:

take this with a spoonful of sugar ya’ll. This is the best advice I’ve heard in years. So simple yet for some could be hard to do. Try and try again its worth it.

August 27th, 2008 at 3:14 pm Super Savy says:

Preach Kali Love. Preach. I am a recent convert to this, “No nagging policy” and I must confess it works. Yessssssss, Lord it works. Lately I literally can’t beat the men in my world off with a stick. That’s my two cents, Kali.

August 27th, 2008 at 3:21 pm AJ says:

I’ve tried this approach. In fact it’s the story of my life. Pride myself on not being a nagger and detest the men who nag (yes men, you nag too). But hasn’t worked for me. Maybe I need to become a nag. Couldn’t hurt to try.

August 27th, 2008 at 3:57 pm doumind says:

@AJ you are just with the wrong profile of men. Change it up I bet the results will be differnt!

August 27th, 2008 at 7:54 pm KaliLove says:

First of all…thanks for so much feedback from all of you! And to “Butta Brown”- even though I showed Man Taming tendencies as a youngster, it took years to get my certification :-) But most of all, I love men and I listen to them and because of that, they break the Man Code for me and guess what…I’m gonna tell you ladies everything!

August 27th, 2008 at 7:59 pm KaliLove says:

And AJ…I have to agree with doumind-there’s probably some other stuff going on (Do-wrong men? Dormatting? I dunno). But let’s just all take this journey together and see if we can get our minds right. You deserve the joy that’s coming to you!

August 27th, 2008 at 10:54 pm ratty says:

I admit. I’m gunna take this advice. Ain’t shamed!

August 28th, 2008 at 6:09 am donell says:

it’s advise that can be applied to all of our relationships, men, women, friends, family, etc.

it’s called meeting people where they are as a person. our role in relationships should not be to assign “good”, “bad” or “wrong” labels to people and their behavior.

people are who they are.

our role should be to simply decide if the person or their actions is something we choose to allow in our space - or not.

stay. or step. no judging. no nagging.

kali love - for the record - gurl, yous a word-smithin’ supastar!

August 28th, 2008 at 7:16 am doumind says:

@donell it seems like sometimes when you accept people as they are, deal with their insecurities and their need to put labels on you it still doesn’t work. that means its toxic and probably time to create a new environment for yourself.

August 28th, 2008 at 7:42 am Julie says:

Good advice, I’ll work on it!

August 28th, 2008 at 10:14 am lawyerontravel says:

By your description, I am a certified Man Tamer. Thanks for re-affirming this Kali. I needed this today. But wait, how did I end up married with 2 kids in less than 2 years? Ladies, remember to read your manual before you release your powers in this universe!

August 28th, 2008 at 10:58 am Allyn says:

This is very good advice…but let me underline something here…there MUST be a subtle yet stinging punishment after bad behavior. This is best when given with a smile…yes, no words needed. He’ll get the picture…and if he doesn’t, dump his ass immediately! Nice work Kali!

August 28th, 2008 at 11:01 am Kim says:

As always Kali is sooo fresh!

August 28th, 2008 at 11:19 am Kali Love says:

Donell, thanks and I agree with you…in fact, it’s the subject of my next Man Tamer blog about FIXING. In the meantime, keep the questions and comments coming you guys!

August 28th, 2008 at 11:26 am Kali Love says:

@ lawyerontravel…this is just one of the many criteria, but yes, you are a Man Tamer role model, girl! Man Taming does lead to boyfriends, husbands, babies and just general empowerment, but I’m warning ya’ll-it can also lead to a whole lot of man traffic (wanted and unwanted)…But we’ll handle that in a later blog.

August 28th, 2008 at 11:43 am Gerald Johnson says:

how can i recommend these to my girl without being too obvious
she’s a keeper but she really needs to relax sometimes!

August 28th, 2008 at 1:25 pm JP says:

From someone who knows you very well I am here to testify that you practice what you preach and preach what you practice. your insight is vital. Reminds me of that men are like dogs book :)

August 28th, 2008 at 2:23 pm Kali Love says:

Gerald, such a great question…but if your name really is Gerald, you can’t send her to the site because she’s gonna see your comment and damn, you’re gonna really wish she’d relax then! Or you’ll be left reminiscing about the good ole days when she used to nag before she left. So this is the prisoner’s dilemma we’re in…if I give you the perfect way to talk to her, it will be on the site as well. I trust you to figure out the best way and in the meantime, I’ll figure out a system for tricky situations like this.

August 28th, 2008 at 4:08 pm buttabrown says:

You need to drop knowledge in a book!
Ya’ll remember that book ‘A black man’s guide to understanding the black woman?’ It was a bunch of mess. Something like this is positive but just showing that we know men and women speack a different language and trying to help

August 28th, 2008 at 4:51 pm Kali Love says:

Butta Brown, are you trying to be my new best friend, because it’s really working…I’d hate for you to take somebody’s bridesmaid spot! From your fingertips to God’s ears…and let’s put a rush delivery on it!

August 28th, 2008 at 5:10 pm LadyK says:

“Do-right men get really tense when they’re late to get you, or break a promise, or disappoint you…even if they’re in a frigging pattern because they’ve been spoiled by so many Take Anything chicks (umm hmm, especially in LA—can I get a witness?).”
I’m a witness. Do not nag. Silence is the strongest behaviour modification of them all! lmao off. Love Love Love Pat Allen! Will forward this one to my folks. Good one.

August 29th, 2008 at 9:46 am EstherFriedman.com says:

This was a great read. I put a note on a yellow post it and put it on my forehead.