Urban Thought Collective

You know, I really didn’t want to do this–it’s so early in our loving, but somewhat anonymous relationship, but I have to.

Ladies…this might hurt a little.

I’ve been perusing the other blogs written by so many brilliant brothers and sisters, not to mention causing a ruckus in about twenty different countries for 30-ish years and I’ve heard a lot of complaining about one of my very favorite things in life besides God, breathing, meditating, eating, Giuseppe Zanotti shoes and some other R-rated stuff…MEN.

Men are getting a bad rap and as someone who’s hopelessly in love with men and ridiculously addicted to BLACK men in particular, I just gotta go ahead and say it. I wouldn’t be Kali Love if I didn’t. Women, it’s not THEM, it’s YOU. Yes, you. Um hmm, you. Not a typo, y-o-u. And now that we’ve gotten that straight and you’re all agasp and outraged, let’s get a healing going on.

Kali’s gonna tell you how to be a Man Tamer. I know, it’s a lot to handle, not to mention for free, but it’s Wednesday, I don’t have a job and you’ve earned it, because despite your flaws, I know you’re beautiful and you deserve the very best and I’m tired of all the whining. So, here goes…

Oh, one more thing. I guess you need to know what a Man Tamer is, just in case you’d rather be the chick who’s always begging and pleading someone into your life then crying and throwing bricks and pity parties when he’s gone. Okey dokey.

A Man Tamer is a woman who men want to possess. Kinda like how they feel when they see a brand spanking new Bentley Coup. A Man Tamer never has to ask in that really whiny voice, “What are weeeee?” because guys wants to put her on lock by about date two. A Man Tamer never has to ask a man to stay the night after sex and if she tries to leave, he’s all, “It’s late, I don’t want you driving. We should get breakfast in the morning, Wait–I think I hear somebody trying to break in.” (Besides, he’s too busy snoring with his arm around you in a chokehold).

A Man Tamer gets to decide which man is right for her and takes her time about making one of the most important decisions in her life—committing to the right man. A Man Tamer is so happy, healthy and supported in her own life that men can’t wait to hear her voice on the phone and feel like they’re at Club Med when they’re in her presence. When a Man Tamer is really loving or cries on her man’s shoulder, he actually likes her more, and on and on and on…you get the point. It’s like frigging Disneyland for chicks!!! But it takes some work and some patience, so we’re going to have to take this in bite-sized pieces over the course of some months. Ready, chicas?

1) NO NAGGING.

Yep, I just shhh’ed you. Nobody wants to hear your mouth. Sorry, I just had to go ahead and get that straight. In the words of AMC Theatres, silence is golden. And in the words of the delicious Dr. Pat Allen, “You don’t have nagging rights, you have leaving rights.” What do you do instead? I’m glad you asked. Try this …when he disappoints you, DON’T SAY ANYTHING negative. Just give yourself a “duly noted” and put it down in his permanent file. Save the “come to Jesus” meetings for non-negotiables like condoms (Lord, why is this still a topic of discussion? Why, God, why?) and STD tests. If that sounds like crazy talk, it’s probably because you’re a NAG and you’ve somehow convinced yourself that the 1 out of 8 times you’ve gotten the result you want is good enough. And that’s why you’re not a Man Tamer. OK, OK, I promise to be nicer.

Men that are serious about you and really want a committed, healthy relationship pretty much know when they just F’ed up. Granted, when you “say nothing,” Dumb Guy is gonna be like, “Score! I can run all over her!” and then he’s gonna feel really stupid next week when you’re no longer answering his calls. But three out of four times, the guy who really values you is going to duly note that you didn’t say shinola even though he knows darn well he forgot to make the reservation, was a little late, or even worse, was a little “premature” ‘round about midnight. Then he’ll correct the behavior on his own because he knows that if you’re happy, it’s all bells and whistles and handcuffs and if you’re not, you respect yourself enough to move on.

What this is not is doormatting, which is putting out a red carpet and velvet ropes for someone to act crazy. It’s called picking your battles and only accepting treatment that you like. Men are great at figuring things out. If he always calls you late, but now his after 10pm calls go straight to voicemail, what do you think he’s gonna do? He’ll call some other chick who accepts 2am chit-chat because he’s not really into you, or start calling you at a Christian hour. See how that works? No nagging. No, “It really hurts my feelings and makes me think that you think I’m a two-dollar hooker when you do that…” Just a whole lot of press 1 to leave a message.

But Kali…isn’t communication necessary for a healthy relationship? Isn’t that playing games, waaahhhh.

This is the thing about nagging, which is repeating yourself, usually in a really annoying voice, or stating the frigging obvious with the hope of brow-beating someone into instantly changing their behavior…if it worked, it wouldn’t be nagging because you’d only have to say it once. And here’s why it doesn’t…

Lovely and grown up as your man may be, there’s a negative reflex that happens when he does something wrong and then has to hear about how wrong it was. If you have a do-right man, he wants to do right (and if you have a do-wrong man, stop flapping your gums and get some counseling, leave, or suck it up, ‘cause that’s who you’ve chosen out of the 3.5 billion men on planet earth.) Do-right men get really tense when they’re late to get you, or break a promise, or disappoint you…even if they’re in a frigging pattern because they’ve been spoiled by so many Take Anything chicks (umm hmm, especially in LA—can I get a witness?). And along with feeling like he F’ed up, he’s already bracing himself to hear your mouth, just like his Mom and his Grandma and Big Grandma and all the other chicks he suddenly lost interest in, and then you open a can of whoop ass with “It’s OK, honey. I’m sure we’ll be fine.” and give him a Shirley Temple smile and guess frigging what? You’re one step closer to being a Man Tamer.

Ahh, Men…

Men, I’m on your team, but I’m gonna need just a tad bit of help helping you. Do us a big favor, por favor. When you F up, don’t get all Vlade Divac and fall out and make a scene, or act all Latrell and pick a fight even though you’re wrong. Just do the Derek Fisher and put your hand up first and say you fouled…no explanations and no excuses. Kinda sorta like this: “Babe, I’m so sorry that I’m running about 15 minutes late. I can’t wait to see you.”

Ahhh…can’t you just hear the silence?

Kali Love is my sometimes brilliant, often obnoxious, alter ego. If I’m Chuck D., she’s a bit, well…Flava Flav with hers. So to protect my career as a writer/producer/Veuve Clicquot-sipping philanthrope, I shall remain nameless. But Kali Love? There’s no telling what she’ll say. My collection is exclusive to www.urbanthoughtcollective.com.