PEEP THE PET PEEVES
Help me out here, fellas. Why do so many of you feel the need to screw up so badly, so early? What compels you to piss us off, or worse, turn us off, before we even get the chance to get turned on? Do you know how hard it is to meet a guy we want to give our number to and then five seconds after we do you blow it so brazenly, so stupidly? It just boggles the mind.
Now despite my reprimanding tone, don’t think of this as another male bashing session, because it’s not. Think of this “swift kick in the ass,” as a helpful guide on how better to get laid. That is what you’re all after, isn’t it? Sure we can dress it up real pretty and say you’re looking to find the mother of your children, but how do you get those children? By having sex. Some of you may play the “I’m looking for someone to share my life with” card, which sounds sweet but if that’s all you want, get a dog or call your mom more often. But we all know that in the quiet of the night, when you feel like “getting busy” unless you’re a total pervert, neither of them will do, which brings us right back to men wanting a woman in their life so they can get laid on the regular. And I’m not mad, because truth be told, when you get laid, we get laid and when we get laid…the world is a much better place.
So in the interest of all mankind and since you never get a second chance to make a good first impression, I’ve compiled a list of three pet peeves men should not do before, on, or immediately after the first date. Please know there are plenty far more egregious transgressions that could and should go on the list (ladies feel free to hit me up with any you’d like to share), but I’d thought we’d start small…stick with changes that are painless…and doable.
Pet Peeve #1
Don’t ask us to cook for you on a first date. It’s rude, it’s presumptuous. It’s the equivalent of a woman meeting a man and then immediately requesting he come over and paint her living room, while she watches from the couch. Cooking requires work (planning, shopping, cleaning up) just like painting (taping, priming, cleaning up). What about that is sexy?
Whether intended or not, asking for a first date home cooked meal screams a) you’re too cheap or too broke to spring for dinner and/or b) you’re too lazy or unimaginative to come up with a decent restaurant. I don’t want a cheap, broke, lazy, unimaginative dude lying up in my bed. Not that I haven’t had a cheap, broke, lazy, or unimaginative dude lying up in my bed, but he/they had the decency to let me fall for them before revealing their true identities. Timing is everything, guys.
For those hard-headed types still thinking you have the right to know upfront if a babe can or is willing to cook, because after all–you grew up in a house where your mom “stuck her foot in it” every night, I say to you–I grew up in a house where my dad paid the mortgage every month. If you show up at my place, check in hand, trust
and believe I will gladly cook the best first date meal of your life. Hell, throw in some cash for my HOA’s and I’ll throw on some heels and dance around for you in between courses.
Now if a woman volunteers to cook a first date dinner, by all means accept the invitation, but beware. She’s auditioning big time and your acceptance of this offer implies you’re open to the idea of casting her as your wifey, girlfriend, bottom ho, something that requires a commitment. Just so you know.
Pet Peeve #2
Texting in lieu of actual conversation. Look, if we meet electronically, then sure, up until our first date, it’s cool, cute even to continue the tradition. But if we meet at a bar and chat it up for a few and I decide to give you my phone number, I’m expecting you to CALL me. We don’t have to talk long or often, but it’s important we TALK. There’s a spontaneity to conversation that texting doesn’t permit. You can edit or erase a text before it’s sent, but it’s not so easy to take back words you’ve already said. Good or bad. Once we get to know each other and I know your LOL’s are sincere and that you know the word is really “because” and not “cuz”…text away. Until then, think of texting as foreplay. It’s a nice thing to do, necessary even, a great way to switch things up, but it shouldn’t ever take the place of the real thing.
Pet Peeve #3
This might be a little silly and maybe something I alone am bothered by, but is it too much to ask for you to put on a pair of real shoes for our first date? My God, I spent the afternoon having hot wax spread on places that hot wax should really never go and then having to sit still as my hair is yanked out by the roots, by an Asian woman who felt the need to constantly remind me how thick my hair is, as if I couldn’t feel how thick it is. After this indignity, I will stuff my girls inside an underwire demi cup bra that while frilly and sexy and makes the girls stand at perfect attention, will cut into the top of my ribcage and shoulders by the night’s end. After that I’ll stuff my bootie inside a pair of Spanx, which will make me look svelte beyond belief but will also stop the flow of blood to my midsection. Finally I’ll stuff my feet into a pair of three inch stilettos that again are sexy as hell, but painful to boot. And then to have you show up at my door in some comfortable tennis shoes? F*&% you!
I’m not asking for a lot, really I’m not–just a nice meal, some stimulating conversation and shoes without rubber soles, all of which could just possibly lead to the world being be a better place, if you know what I mean.
Tamara T. Gregory is a writer/producer/traveler. Happily single (yes, there really is such a thing), she is an expert on the dating game. Her debut novel,Passport Diaries, is an LA Times bestseller and is soon to become a Hollywood motion picture. The book is available at www.passportdiaries.com. Gregory’s X…WHY blog is exclusive to Urban Thought Collective.
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