Urban Thought Collective

Hello UTC family. Sorry I was out of commission last week. I was working the National Book Club Conference http://www.nationalbookclubconference.com all day last Saturday only to come home after a bad rainstorm to find my neighbor’s tree blown on top of my stairs, blocking access to my apartment. I stayed at a friend’s house for a couple days, enjoyed the company of their new baby and came home and discovered that my electricity wasn’t restored. Funny thing is my apartment was the only place affected. Even the way the tree was laying on the stairs was interesting.

I live in a cul-de-sac with three other buildings, each are duplexes. The doors are side by side and this huge tree was lying on my steps, but the door to the downstairs unit wasn’t completely blocked. There was room to pry it open. My elderly neighbor, Ms. Miller, who has lived in her apartment for over 30 years, finds it funny. Her and her cat (I can’t remember his name, but he’s really overweight) kept peeking out the window at the scene. Electrical lines were wrapped up in the debris and branches from other trees were on the ground, making it seem like a storm happened just in front of my building. Honestly, it looked worse than it is was. The tree could have fallen on the building. Thankfully, it didn’t.

Do you remember the neighbor with the curly high top and gold fronts I told you about in my earlier blog? You know, the one who wears tank tops with matching socks? There was the red tank top with red socks and sandals, along with the bright yellow, blue and orange ensembles. Anyway, he saw me when I returned and was quick to express his concerns and wanted to know if I needed help. Strangely enough, the assistance he offered required him to be inside my home, which wasn’t affected. When I refused, as I always do, he looked at the tree (which is still sitting in front of my building) and the scattered debris and walked off. That’s life. I’m learning that it’s not so much about what’s happening to us, it’s about how we’re handling it as we move through it.

Anyway, the day of the storm I attended a wonderful panel discussion about depression in the black community. It was facilitated by publicist extraordinaire and author Terrie Williams http://www.terriewilliams.comwho wrote the book, “Black Pain: It Just Looks Like We’re Not Hurting. Terrie Williams “As each panelist began to tell their story the room became heavy. There were so many narratives, from loss of a loved one to social ills making life seem unbearable. It was apparent that everybody was going through something.

After almost an hour of purging, Terrie took questions from the audience. One black woman who was with her book club said she felt sorry for everyone on the panel because her only worry is which check to write. She said, “I don’t have problems like that.” She was referring to one panelist’s husband committing suicide, one who became homeless, one who cut himself and used drugs, one who committed unspeakable acts as a gang member and one who was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 27 – a week before her wedding. I was sitting two rows behind the woman and watched as she and her group nodded to each other in amazement at what life delivers to folks’ doorsteps. I thought to myself, a black woman in America? Straight denial. The panel hinted to her that there might be something else she’s not willing to examine, but time had run out.

I think she got so caught up in their stories that she missed the underlining glue that bonded them – pain. The former gang member, Deshaun “Jiwe” Morris, and author of “War of the Bloods in My Veins”, talked about how he witnessed his mother’s anguish at the bills piling up around them. He saw its affects on her. The woman said she had to choose which check to write, which means she doesn’t have the money to pay all of her bills. For some people that causes stress. But I think some black folks are so used to not having they don’t consider it a problem that they can’t afford to pay all of their bills. And black folks are taught not to complain. After all, our ancestors endured the most inhumane living conditions as slaves. How dare we fix our mouths to say anything! It’s a disease, a slow death for some many of us.

Terrie made me realize how this society chips away at who we are. She talked about an article that came out where a tall black man explained that he learned to smile a lot so he won’t be as intimidating to people. It makes you wonder what other adjustments we make, essentially abandoning parts of ourselves, in order to fit in. We do it at work, out in public, etc. Some of us can’t even be who we are in relationships. It’s sad. What parts of yourself have you given up to avoid the backlash? It’s gotta be depressing. The whole panel discussion was about recognizing it. I think a lot of us are operating on autopilot. Let’s stop and open our eyes. I’m speaking to myself too.

In the past I’ve ended my blogs with “I’m dreaming of a day when…” I’m not doing that anymore. When I pray for myself, it’s always with the intention of me receiving it now. And I’m getting it now. (That’s another blog). So, I’m thinking of a new prayer for you. I think it’s important to evoke the power of now for everyone, not just for myself. I’ll have it for you the next time we’re together.

Until then…

Envisioning you with much love, light and fulfillment. See you next week.

Yaminah Ahmad is editor-in-chief of The Atlanta Voice and contributing editor to Collective Voices, a newspaper published by the non-profit, SisterSong: Women of Color Reproductive Health Collective. More information on the group can be found at www.sistersong.net. Ahmad can be reached at missyaminah@gmail.com.