Urban Thought Collective

They say you can’t force an addict to quit – that users have to make the decision to stop for themselves. And that in most cases, one must hit that elusive place known as “rock bottom” before making a decision to change. Well I’m not quite there yet, but I’m getting close – I can feel it. So I’m readying my backside for that hard, hard landing.

The caffeine has got me.

Go ahead and conjure up images of Chris Rock’s Pookie, white lips and all, telling Ice T: “I tried to kick it… but that shit just be callin’ me man, it be callin’ me, man.” That’s me. And the stuff truly is calling my name - all day, er’day. I hear caffeine yelling at me from the three-dozen or so Starbucks I pass on the way to work; from the soda machines in the office; and from the candy bars I keep hidden in my drawer as an afternoon pick-me-up. Now I even have to face it at McDonalds when I do the drive-thru the day before payday, maximizing the few stray coins found in my ashtray with the dollar menu. Last time I went, I had to forgo the usual nuggets and fries to instead satisfy my coffee craving with a large iced vanilla latte. Left with a growling stomach and only a few dimes in my wallet, I contemplated channeling yet another Chris Rock character: “How much for just one fry?”

I hadn’t given too much thought about this obsession of mine until these last couple of months when I’ve had to make unfortunate choices between Starbucks and the offering at church; Starbucks and deodorant; Starbucks and gas. Lately, Starbucks (and the like) has been winning. And finally this week, I came to the conclusion that I truly need help when one of my colleagues, Chris, phoned out sick. Sure I felt bad when he called my line, telling me he thought he had strep throat and was on his way to Urgent Care, but I felt even worse for myself when I realized that his absence would deprive me of my morning coffee.

As co-owner of the Buena Beach Café (everyone needs a side hustle these days), Chris is kind enough to bring in freshly brewed coffee from the restaurant every morning. Cream, sugar, stirrers, and Splenda too. All we have to do is supply our own cups. So of course I was disappointed about him not coming in, but figured I’d just take an early break and run to The Coffee Bean a few blocks down the beach.

But then I get a buzz from my boss, Danny, asking me to come in to do some dictation with him. “Would you like me to run and get some coffee for you first,” I asked, knowing he can go on for hours if he happens to get on a roll. He declined, telling me too much information about the effect coffee’s been having on his digestive system recently.

Small panic. But I tell myself that it shouldn’t take too long, that he’ll run out of things to talk about sooner or later. That was too optimistic for me, watching the clock tick past 9:08. Then 9:25. And then 9:41. Meanwhile, my notes were getting more and more sloppy, my shorthand starting to resemble writings on the Rosetta Stone.

At 10:00, I snapped, deciding that drastic measures were in order if I didn’t want to get fired for strangling my boss, shaking him hard while yelling, “Please shut up so I can go get my coffee and officially start my day, would ya?!” So with absolutely no shame, I raised my hand signaling him to stop for a second, saying “Uh, Danny? Would you mind if I went home to change quickly? I think I may have had an…accident.”

He doesn’t read me right away.

“You know, like a girl thing? That time of the month?”

Immediately he said, “Oh sure, sure,” insisting that I take my time and not to worry about anything.

Soon enough, as I sped down the road to the coffee shop, I realized that that wasn’t me back there in Danny’s office. Yes, I can be a straight-up fool at times; but in my right mind, I would have been way too embarrassed to talk about such things as menstrual incidents with my boss. But, that cunning, addicted fiend that lives inside me – the person who thinks that five bucks for an ice-blended coffee confection is perfectly reasonable…she knew exactly what she was doing, orchestrating the perfect excuse to get out of there fast to satisfy that caffeine craving. The fiend knew that Danny wouldn’t dare call to question a woman’s monthly visitor. And the plan worked – I returned to the office within 20 minutes wearing a fresh outfit (luckily, I had a change of clothes in my trunk) and a gi-normous cup of piping hot java.

So, although I haven’t bottomed out yet, I can at least stand here and say it: My name is Diane, and I’m a caffeine addict. Well, at least it’s a good thing that fiend in me gave up cigarettes – who knows what kind of trouble she might have gotten me into.

Diane is (quite) a character on the online soap opera Buena Beach (www.buenabeach.com). Her weekly insights on what’s happening at the Beach are featured exclusively on Urban Thought Collective.