Urban Thought Collective

One of my favorite bloggers, Vivrant, requested that I give a full explanation of the “90-Day Rule.” Now, the “90-Day Rule” was not my idea, but it was explained to me by a female friend of mine. She had just started seeing a guy, and she noticed that he was constantly getting phone calls from other women. So, she told him he had 90 days to clean up his act, or miss a good thing.

One day I asked her, “Why 90 days? I mean, can’t you tell before that if dude is full of shit?” She replied, “I already know he is a good guy and that I want to be with him. I’m just giving him time to realize that ain’t nothing out there better than me. Time to cut all his Plan B chicks! Y’all men are slow to see what’s right in front of you.” The more I thought about what she was saying, the more I agreed with her. So, I began to apply it to my dating life.

These suggestions and guidelines are designed for us to determine if we want to be a couple, friends, friends with benefits, or none of the above. Different events, the time of year, and even the weather can influence our timing. Therefore, the following suggestions are in random order. We will complete as many suggestions as we can (and make up more if appropriate) within a 90 day period.

So, here are the official “90 Day Rules:”

1. Nothing brings out the truth better than some good drank. It’s up to you whether to do this immediately or wait a few weeks. It is very important to be relaxed and worry free for this exercise, so make sure there will be no plans to drive anywhere afterwards. It should just be the two of you, without your friends around to influence the conversation or your answers. Just you and your shawty, 2 or 3 bottles of wine, a couple of cases of beer, and a bottle or two of Patron ought to be perfect. If you are not into adult beverages, use whatever substance causes your personality to default to its truthful self. That’s it. Just ask all the questions that you really want to ask. If you feel like this is job interview, stop talking and find something else to do. Trust your instincts, live for the moment and do what feels like the right thing to do at the time.
2. Discover what the other person’s “outside the relationship” interests are. We all need to be interested in something away from the relationship, such as a hobby or career goals. You need something that will make you spend time apart. One must be comfortable enough with the others interest to encourage them to succeed. You are looking for balance here and not an obsession to be with someone, no matter how “hot” you think he/she is, or how afraid you may be that they might find someone else because you aren’t with them constantly. Too much of anything, even a good thing, can be very bad.
3. Discuss what you want to be when you grow up. We all have our hopes and dreams no matter what age we are. What you want to do for the rest of your life and your goals for the future are an important issue.
4. Talking on the phone can be a delicate subject, especially in the beginning of a relationship. It’s great to have long conversations if you want to, but if you don’t, don’t do it. If you don’t cut it short and talk for hours to avoid hurting the other person’s feelings, one of you is in trouble and the other is being deceived.
5. Find something to argue about. It doesn’t matter what the subject is, but the bigger the better. Pay attention to how the other person presents themselves. Determine if their method is passive or aggressive. The two most important things you are looking for is conflict avoidance or if they meet it head on. You also want to be sure they can honestly communicate their true feelings. Be careful, you want to avoid the “built up and later blow up” situation.
6. As far as sex is concerned, you both need to do what’s right for you. If you both want to wait, go ahead and wait. If you both want to discover intimacy gradually, you should do that. In the event you want to jump each other because you need to know how the sex is before you proceed, do the damn thing! You should be thinking about compatibility here. Frequency, passion, and variety with sex are most important here. Being in harmony is important if you are looking for a real relationship.
7. Another important thing in a relationship is a sense of humor. If you are attracted to the other person’s sense of humor, and you don’t have one, it can be an issue. Making each other laugh is one thing that will get you through some bad days.
8. Meet the friends. It doesn’t matter who or how many but you need to make that happen. This will disclose any negative feelings one might have about the other. If someone would feel embarrassed to let you meet their close friends, your relationship is relegated to the jump-off category immediately. If that isn’t what you want, call it quits and walk away.
9. Let it be known to your other “friends” that you are not available. An easy way to ruin a new relationship is if you are constantly dealing with exes and other potential friends. Nobody thinks that you were just sitting at home waiting for them, but having to fight for time and attention can reduce a person’s interest level.
10. Who’s the Boss? Is this going to be a democratic relationship or is one person clearly dominant? Are you willing to live with that? Sometimes one person is the boss and the other partner is cool with that. If you both want to be in charge in the same situations, that is when problems arise.

When the 90-day period is over, use the experience to determine trust, lifestyle compatibility, and chemistry. Understand that what happens after this is unknown, but look forward to getting to know each other in hopes of establishing a healthy relationship.

P.S. At any point, if you determine that the other person is crazy, this agreement automatically becomes invalid.

So, dear readers….

How would you feel if someone presented this proposal to you?

What process do you use to determine if you want to be serious with someone new?

Let’s discuss…

Vincent Slaughter is a writer and graduate of Morehouse College. Single and living in Atlanta, Georgia, his thoughts on love and relationships are also featured on www.skoolboisplayground.blogspot.com.