ADVICE/RELATIONSHIPS

Too Much Information

by Vincent Slaughter on Jul 10, 2008

I can understand why women want men to express their feelings more often. But I don’t get why they don’t understand that we cannot (or do not like to) do it. I have never thought that sharing your true feelings was a weakness, although there have been times in my life when I have resisted for fear of rejection, embarrassment, and to be perceived as weak by others.

I’m learning that self-disclosure builds bonding bridges in relationships. It provides more satisfying outcomes than sharing too little or too much. That is right, ladies, you can share too much. Sharing too much of yourself invites pity, scorn, ridicule and a number of other negative reactions from others. Sharing too little of yourself keeps others in your life at a safe yet unhealthy distance. My problem has always been sharing too little. Not knowing when to express anger, love, regret or even desire.

When my marriage started hitting a rough patch, my ex-wife and I decided to try counseling. One of the things that sticks with me is the doctor telling us that we had to get emotionally naked with each other if we wanted things to work. Talk the truth. Pure uncut funk. Now, some people can handle that and some folks can’t. I will be the first to admit that it depends on when you catch me. As a Gemini, I can be moody so you might get a different reaction than you expected when you planned this little scenario.

The scary part about making a relationship work is that you have to let yourself be vulnerable to get the best out of it. Guys are just not socialized to volunteer themselves for pain unless you are talking about football, war or something else that is considered masculine. Women, on the other hand, believe in bonding by sharing stories and talking about feelings. The pain of going through something emotional is almost like a badge of courage. I don’t think I’ll ever understand that.

I get having that level of openness in a serious relationship or a marriage, but how much do you reveal when a relationship is just starting? Yeah, I’m falling in love with you, but you don’t need to know all that. Until I feel like I can trust you with that type of information, I’m not giving it up.

Another funny thing about relationships is that the person least involved has all the power. Knowing that, why would I show all my cards?

By the way, it didn’t take very long before I told CL that I was falling in love with her.

So talk to me, when do you let down your wall and talk about your feelings?

Can you reveal too much too soon?

Ladies, have you ever been turned off by a guy sharing his feelings too soon?

Let’s discuss…

Vincent Slaughter is a writer and graduate of Morehouse College. Single and living in Atlanta, Georgia, his thoughts on love and relationships are also featured on www.skoolboisplayground.blogspot.com.


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Comments

July 11th, 2008 at 12:03 am Red Razor says:

#1 in Sweets absence
July 11th, 2008 at 12:13 am SweetSis says:

When do I let my wall down and talk about feelings? Um, never.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:15 am Red Razor says:

Hello Sweet. Why you ignoring me.
July 11th, 2008 at 1:23 am 1GOODMAN says:

Hitting the nail on the head with this one man. My lady is always trying to get me to TALK. I’m like, I’m TALKIN’ I’m TALKIN. But its not good enough apparently.
July 11th, 2008 at 3:04 am UncleD says:

Some people I trust & open up to quickly, some it takes more time. I think it’s just instinct for me. I’m not particularly closed off but I’m not a motormouth either. If I’m feeling that she & I are on the right wavelength, I have no problem talking & sharing. Problem comes when you get a woman who doesn’t respect your boundaries. Every man needs some things to go unsaid. When she keeps pushing you to “discuss” EVERYTHING, that’s a problem.
July 11th, 2008 at 5:35 am Tracey says:

When soon to soon? One will really never know until you in the situation. I appreciate the article from a woman perspective it is nice to be reminded that men are logical and that is the way God made them. He made us as women to be the emotional being. So that is what our girlfriend bonds are for to open up and release. Women we have to stop putting our men through these rollcoasters of wanting to know their every feeling and thought and just meeting right where they are…at home with you…..
July 11th, 2008 at 11:20 am Nation Builder says:

Putting everything out on the table is always the way to go in my opinion - life too short to hold anything in
July 11th, 2008 at 2:17 pm rene perez says:

my life story. no one wanted to **really** communicate. for many years i thought it was me, but i have learned that it is something lacking in th emen i am attracting. once i bolstered myself, i attracted a man who could articulate himself well and am finally happy.
July 11th, 2008 at 4:01 pm nomoredrama says:

emotionally naked! scary stuff
July 11th, 2008 at 5:24 pm Xoloxlan says:

“Another funny thing about relationships is that the person least involved has all the power. Knowing that, why would I show all my cards?”
YOU AINT NEVA LIED!!!!
July 11th, 2008 at 6:18 pm thelma says:

Relationships are tough, period. Its sharing your space and emotions with someone who might not be there always. But in my opinion, the risk is far outweighed by the reward!
July 11th, 2008 at 7:31 pm celebutante says:

Who knew guys even went this deep. Youse a keeper boi
July 11th, 2008 at 7:36 pm westcoast shortee says:

hOLD IT IN - TRUST ME
July 11th, 2008 at 9:09 pm lolalove says:

I will say that once there was a guy that I was leery about - he was too quick to say those words. made me think he just wanted more so he could move on so yeah that’s a turn off
July 11th, 2008 at 9:19 pm buttabrown says:

You are my ideal man, Vince. No disrespect to CL. But I will move to ATL in a heartbeat if that there thing falls through.
July 12th, 2008 at 3:26 am Destah Owens says:

Make me earn it. I’m not going to open up the kimono and tell you all of my deep dark secrets on day one, so don’t tell me yours. Let me feel like I have earned your trust and that’s why you want to share with me. Don’t do it like a clearance sale where everything must go right now.
July 12th, 2008 at 3:42 am RedRzr says:

Like Destah said.
July 12th, 2008 at 10:08 am Jaime Sez says:

amen uncle d.
July 12th, 2008 at 12:25 pm Ed80 says:

the key is to make it **seem** like you’re opening up. c’mon the fellas already know this.
July 12th, 2008 at 2:16 pm CeaseNYC says:

I’m rollin with SweetSis n’ WestCoast Shorty on this one, Nuh-uh. Not for a long minute.
July 12th, 2008 at 2:17 pm CeaseNYC says:

Red. Play more hard to get with Sweet man. And a pic might help bruh
July 16th, 2008 at 6:18 pm Kacy Wilson says:

My question is why would you want to be in a marriage with someone you could not attempt to be emotionally open with in the first place? Anything you hide means you are going to have to maintain some pretense, concealing your interior life. Its not always that hard because we get so used to doing it, but isn’t that the opposite of intimacy. We maintain pretense with co-workers, associates, in-laws, and other people we have less choice to be around, but why would you accept that you have to maintain pretense in a relationship? You might decide you don’t want to lose the relationship and you are scared you cannot be completely open without pushing the person away, but this isn’t ideal or something we should go out in the world accepting as normal and healthy. Ideally, we find a way to love our mates in a way that they don’t fear or judgments or a reactions so much that they show their true selves. Even if they say something we react to, they have to trust that we will stay anchored in the love we have. If whatever they have to share, breaks the bond, then the bond was built on a lie anyway, and who wants that?

2 cents.
July 31st, 2008 at 9:37 pm Tru says:

I believe that some women just don’t understand that men are different. Women are hard wired to discuss things. to talk about how they feel. You could liken a women to a fine crystal wine glass. It is beautiful. and it is clear. whatever is put into it is readily seen by those on the outside. and if you stack bricks on top of it. it won’t be long before it breaks. Spilling its contents. women are talkers. They are hardwired that way. and it is very difficult to understand that men are not that way. Men Are hardwired to provide and problem solve, He fixes things. This is why whenever you speak to a man about your problem he will tell you what to do about it. He doesn’t realize that you just want to talk. He can be compared to a coffee mug. It is sturdy and it isn’t clear. you won’t know what is inside it unless you look deep. and it will withstand a large about of weight before it breaks if it ever does. He has to work things out on his own. and if he ever needs to talk he will come to you but it should be his decision. When I want to know what is wrong with my husband, I ask he usually say nothing. Since I know him, I know it isn’t nothing, but I usually leave it alone. Mostly I will say something like ok well when you need me You know where to find me. and He says yeah and that is pretty much it. If it is something serious when we go to be he will bring it up. And ask what I think. that way I don’t nag him about his emotions. I have to let him be a man.

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