BLOG SERIES/ONLINE SOAP OPERA

More Dirt From The Beach!

Hey, what’s happening? It’s your girl Diane from Buena Beach, the daily internet soap opera. As usual, I’m here to give you the scoop on what happened this week at the beach…and to vent a little bit about my issues.

Yeah, I got issues.

First and foremost is my job. So, I was hoping to get an interview for the new Coordinator position that just opened up thanks to my homeboy Calvin getting fired. I came in Monday ready to plead my case to the boss, Danny, when I learned that he had already hired someone. Oooh, I was hot. Maybe even a hot mess. Now I am definitely not a violent type of girl, but I swear I wanted to wring Danny’s neck.

But, I kept it together. Didn’t spike his coffee with any illegal barbiturates. Didn’t loosen one of the wheels on his rolling chair. Didn’t sneak into his office and send an inappropriate message to his supervisor using his e-mail. Thank goodness that Sandy finally had a few minutes to run out for coffee with me on Thursday to debrief, or by Friday, I might have had a full-on meltdown. Just telling her about how pissed I was helped calm me down quite a bit. Venting is the only therapy I can afford on what they pay me.

Anyways, we didn’t end up chatting for long about work. She was eager to move on to her favorite subject of late: sex. Which strikes me as odd; because I’m sure she hasn’t had any in a long time. Perhaps she’s vicariously getting busy via me and my man, Jonathan. Hey, whatever works. But, she kind of threw me with one of her questions.

“When’s the last time you and Jonathan showered together?”

Now, before I go on, I should add here that Sandy ain’t black. Not even close. In fact, she’s about as not black as one can possibly get. So, I said, “We’ve never showered together.”

“Never?” Horrifically shocked.

“Never.” Like, duh?

It was as if I’d just told the girl I’d never changed my underwear. “So, you’re just a ‘do it in bed’ kind of a girl?”

“No – not at all. But, I’m black.”

“So…?”

Deep sigh. There comes a time in every relationship I have with someone who’s not a sista when I have to do my Black Hair 101 lecture. Unfortunately, we were just making a quick run, so I had to give her the condensed version. Just a brief bit about the effects of moisture on black hair and “black perm” vs. “white perm” and pressing combs. When we have a little more time, I’ll break down the Jheri curl and finger waves.

“But doing it in the shower is…it’s great,” she says. “Why don’t you try it with a shower cap?”

That’s when I knew she was really tripping. First of all, I do not want my man seeing me in a shower cap. It was bad enough the one time he surprised me with breakfast in bed, finding me with my hair wrapped up in one of my haggardly silk scarves; so you’d better believe he’ll never see me in a shower cap. Ain’t nothin’ sexy about that. And even if I weren’t so superficial (I know this already so you don’t have to tell me – remember, I got issues), there’s a large likelihood that sometime during the “act,” things might get so on and poppin’ that the cap accidentally gets pulled off my head, exposing my freshly pressed do to a mighty stream of wat