Urban Thought Collective

This weekend I read a book about a man who, after going through a traumatic experience, decides that he is going to pursue the one woman that he truly loves. He allowed this particular woman to escape his life during the player days of his youth. So, after having this life-altering episode, he quits his successful job and moves to the city where this woman lives with her husband and two kids.

Chasing down married women is on the extreme side for me, but I can relate to his desire to reconnect with the person who represents the potential for great love, something to give him purpose.

I think we all have at least one person in our past that could have our hearts if you could get a second chance under different circumstances. There is that somebody that you just can’t get out of your system, even after you’ve had your chance and it didn’t work. Deep down, you still think it is meant to be. How do you know when it’s time to turn the page? If you don’t let them go, will you ever be truly happy and find real love again?

I hear women say that guys seem to move on to the next woman (or women) like he wasn’t even bothered with the breakup. Y’all just aren’t paying attention. It takes a great deal for a brother to deal with that type of thing. The easiest way is to just move on to the next chick, and let her love heal your wounds. But, the truth is, if you aren’t really going to let her in, the wounds will remain. Unfortunately, most of us aren’t equipped to talk about our emotions, so we numb the pain with sex, alcohol, work, or anything else that will get our minds off the way we feel.

In the relationships following my divorce, I was prone to compare women to my ex. She doesn’t make me laugh like J; her kisses aren’t as sweet as J’s or her hugs don’t comfort me as much as J’s did. Obviously, I wasn’t giving these women a fair chance, nor was I really allowing for the possibility of making a real connection. What I was doing was numbing the pain I felt from being a failure. Failure is a harsh word, but it is how a guy feels when he goes from being the man of her dreams to that motherf**ker who ain’t shit.

Someone once said that you can’t receive new blessings if you are holding on to your old baggage. That means the first step is letting go. Easier said than done, right? Everybody I know is walking around with some residue from previous relationships. Before I found who I will call “The Cookie Lady,” I carried a combination of anger, embarrassment, disappointment, and resentment that contributed to my status as a single man. Even in my current state of bliss, I wouldn’t say I was completely healed. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. The cure for me has been introspection and the love of a good woman. I never really bought the idea that you had rid yourself of all your ills before getting involved again.

I would not call myself an expert on the subject of moving on, however, my ear is often bent by my friends and co-workers regarding their relationship issues. I actually think that I give good advice. It’s easier to recognize a pattern in someone else’s behavior than your own.

So, my dear readers….

How do you move on after a breakup?
Is the way men deal with relationship failure affective?
Do women act in a similar way after a relationship ends?

Let’s discuss….

Vincent Slaughter is a writer and graduate of Morehouse College. Single and living in Atlanta, Georgia, his thoughts on love and relationships are also featured on www.skoolboisplayground.blogspot.com.