Urban Thought Collective

My recent visit to (insert your dating website of choice here) frightened the wu-ha out of me. What are you people thinking?

Mr.2cool, don’t take a picture of yourself standing in front of your unmade bed with mixed match sheets, plain white walls (except the water damage stain in the ceiling) and a pile of dirty clothes on the floor, in the hopes of finding that special lady. Get a cleaning lady and then maybe we can talk.

LuvRBoy, looking for a shawty to kick it with? Based on the scowl on your mug and mean glare in your eye (your low cocked hat prevented me from seeing more than the one), I’d say you’re looking for a girl to go three rounds with. You’re probably a nice guy. If we met under normal circumstances, you know at a bar, a club, anywhere live and in person where your bad boy vibe would be tempered with an occasional smile or a sparkle in your eye (still rocking the hat), I’d probably fall hopelessly in love. But that picture you posted? It makes me want to file a restraining order.

MsThangThang! Your confident sexy pose says you are really feeling yourself, and I’m not mad. You got a cute little figure; you should be feeling yourself. But did you happen to feel that exposed track on the top of your head? This is an instance when a hat would’ve been nice.

Here’s a hint, people; if you can see it in a mirror, you can see it in a photo. That goes for worn out bra straps, thongs peeking out over jeans, pimples, deodorant clumps in underarm hair (you know who are Mr. FeelzGoodz).

Think of posting your picture on a dating website like interviewing for a job. To whom it may concern, I am applying for the position as your significant other for a period of one night, one year, forever, whatever, doesn’t matter. The point is, on a job interview you’d put some effort into it. You’d put on clothes that fit. You’d put on some clothes period.

And ladies, you wouldn’t bring your kid on an interview, why are they in your photo? Yes, tell Mr. Wonderful upfront you have kids. Never lie about that. But he doesn’t need to see them. Not right away. This doesn’t scream “mother of year,” it screams looking for my next baby daddy. And on the safety tip–why post a picture of your innocent child on a site visited by all kinds of grown men? Some of them desperate. Some of them lonely. Some of them crazy as hell and on the site specifically to troll for women with daddy-less kids they’d have access to.

As for men who pose with their kids…well, while I’m not in support of it (the safety issue still applies), there is something kind of sexy about it. Double standard I know, but it’s the truth and so I speak it.

And finally just because you can take a picture with your phone doesn’t mean you should. Think of a camera phone like that box of Kraft Mac & Cheese hidden in your cupboard. It’s there only for emergencies. An earthquake or snowstorm finds you housebound and starving? Add warm water and grub. No one will think less of you for it. You’re at the airport and Beyonce strolls by? Pull out your phone and snap away.

You’re auditioning for a lover, possibly a spouse? I’m thinking a real camera might come in handy. A photographer besides yourself would be good too. Even in this time of economic hardship having a professional picture taken is not out of the question. Go to Sears, put it on your credit card. Amortized over the twelve months, your photos plastered over the three dating websites your profile is posted on, not to mention your MySpace page, it’s worth the expense. By the way, I know it’s called “MySpace”, the implication being you’re free to do whatever you want on it, but don’t. Use some discretion, some tact, some makeup.

And don’t spout that “keeping it real” stuff, it’s more like keeping it lazy. If you can’t muster up enough energy to take a nice photo in order to make a good first impression, why should anyone muster up the energy to give you the chance to make a second?

Those of you who hear what I’m saying, after you post your new “best possible you” photo, let me know how it goes out there at www.datemebecauseI’mhot.com.

Tamara T. Gregory is a writer/producer/traveler. Happily single (yes, there really is such a thing), she is an expert on the dating game. Her debut novel, Passport Diaries, is an LA Times bestseller and is soon to become a Hollywood motion picture. The book is available at www.passportdiaries.com.