LIFESTYLE/RELATIONSHIPS

Are Men As Twisted About Relationships As Women Are?

by Tamara T Gregory on Apr 18, 2008

Over $16 glasses of Pinot or a succulent steak, are they cursing our existence only to rush to their blackberry the second it beeps in the hopes it’s one of us calling?

I’m thinking no. I’m thinking that when men get together they talk about that big deal they just closed. How they scored twelve points in a pick up game last Saturday. How the Celtics are contenders once again. I’m thinking men are simply more evolved…or self-involved, I’m not sure which. Both options beat being twisted up beyond recognition, which sadly, I feel more and more women are starting to become.

I admit up front that I’m speaking in generalities here. There’s exceptions to every rule. But lately it seems to me that all single women can talk about is how they want a man, any man. And, all married women can seem to talk about is how they aren’t really feeling the man they have, but aren’t going anywhere because nothing’s worse than wanting a man and not having one - even one you’re not really feeling.

Ladies, it’s time for us to advance the conversation. There’s a war going on. The Lakers are almost contenders once again. The pound is kicking the dollar’s ass. Obama. Obama. Obama. Something…anything…other than THEM.

A typical night out with my single girlfriends (surprisingly there aren’t too many of them left, but the few that are, are real bitter about it) consists of dinner, pictures of their babies (the pet variety, I blame Oprah for this), and endless complaints about how there are so few good men out there (breathe easy brothas, apparently white boys are no walk in the park either).

Over the course of 168 girls night out events, my friends have taught me that a “good man” has a passport (the more stamps it has the fewer of the following he needs), a job, a momma he loves, books that he occasionally reads, a car, (preferably a BMW, Benz, Rover. Personally, I would dig a man rocking a Prius, if he’s sporting some tight ass shades), and finally some cash. It goes without saying the more cash he has, the less of the other stuff he needs.

A typical night out with my married girlfriends consists of dinner, pictures of their babies (the human variety, gotta say, often not as cute as the four legged critters) and complaints about their no good husbands. These outings have taught me that a “no good” husband tells you two days before the wedding some girl he used to kick it with is pregnant with his baby. Every chance he gets he reminds you how lucky you are to have him. And, has the uncanny ability of extracting all the details of your whereabouts without revealing so much as a hint about his. Whether or not he’s somewhere he shouldn’t be can suck the wind out of the evening real quick.

And so I issue a challenge to every woman out there–next girl’s night out, try, just try, if only for one night, not to talk about THEM. Talk about whether Bush should boycott the Olympic Opening Ceremonies because of China’s ruthless business dealings with Sudan. Talk about Katie Holmes getting to design her own line for Armani. Hell, talk about you. The part of you that exists outside of them (she’s in there somewhere, I know it. She has to be and if she’s not, fight to the death to get her back).

As for you brothas out there, holler back and let me know what it is you all talk about amongst yourselves. I’ve conjured up all sorts of romantic fantasies about a table full of men sitting around talking about the recent elections in Zimbabwe. Or how Obama hater Tavis Smiley quit the Tom Joyner Morning Show because listeners sided with the future President of the United States. Or, how no one over the age of thirty ever thought that in their lifetime there would even be an Obama for Smiley to be all bent out of shape about!

And if by chance, over a well-aged port, try to drop in a line here and there about how that extra workout your girl is putting in is really starting to pay off…. how smart we are… how you can’t live without us except maybe for the two hours you spend chilling with your boys talking about anything and everything but…us.

Tamara T. Gregory is a writer/producer/traveler. Happily single (yes, there really is such a thing), she is an expert on the dating game. Her debut novel, Passport Diaries, is an LA Times bestseller and is soon to become a Hollywood motion picture. The book is available at www.passportdiaries.com.


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Comments

April 17th, 2008 at 2:28 am missme says:

Talk about ourselves? A novel concept! Listen up ladies. She’s speaking the truth here. I need to listen my damn self.
April 17th, 2008 at 3:30 am kamalp says:

YA’LL GOT FINE LADIEZ BLOGGIN UP IN HERE? OKAY I SEE HOW U DOIN IT.
April 17th, 2008 at 5:32 am Howard W. says:

Your question was “Are Men As Twisted About Relationships As Women Are?”

The real answer is “Yes.”

I find it interesting that women don’t believe this to be true. The discourse isn’t the same in tone as when women probably gather. However, when grown men get together, we definitely discuss our women and relationships.
April 17th, 2008 at 11:15 am Alisha says:

Ok, guilty as charged. I’m single and I spend way too much time with my friends talking/analyzing/complaining about men. It’s crazy, I’m a college graduate, make good money, own a condo and have a great social life. Your blog really hit home. Ok my female crew, let’s make a pledge, next time we’re out - NO MEN TALK for at least a hour. I’m bringing my egg timer.
April 17th, 2008 at 2:05 pm ttj says:

Alright I am going to give it a try..next girl’s night out no talking about men. I think it is going to be a very quiet night!
April 17th, 2008 at 5:07 pm Q says:

I am married and I sure my wife puts me in the category of I wish I had done better but I glad I have someone to play the role. Our men talks consist of mostly business and pleasures, business first. When we do talk about women it normally married guy talking to a single guy. My married friends do not talk about their wives much and I do not talk about my wife. The most interesting conversations comes when I am talking to a single guy. Generally, when they are in between good sex parteners they wish they were married, but when they are in the middle or near the end of a good sexual relationship they are glad they are not married. My advise is normally if you are not married do not get married unless you want to have babies. Beyound that it is much eaisier in this tuff world without some soft women trying to make her life easier while making the a man’s life more complecated.
It was nice talking sharing my thoughts with you, can not wait for your movie.

Q
April 17th, 2008 at 8:14 pm hisherness says:

Interesting. I have to admit I hear (and sometimes listen to) talk about men and the harrowing cat-and-mouse that seems to be the relationship game. When I *talk*, it’s usually about things like whether Microsoft will succeed in taking over Yahoo (and the horrors that would entail), the latest archaeological implications found at Stonehenge, or my latest exploits in whatever video game I’m addicted to at the time. I think you make a good point. If you’re on a quest for a mate, that’s fine, but it probably shouldn’t be the core of your existence.
April 17th, 2008 at 8:42 pm Kenneth Boston says:

Yea, we talk about women. But much more casually than you talk about us. Women are INTENSE with theirs. Sometimes obsessive? You hit the nail on the head. There should be more balance. Less intense from the ladies. And a little more intense for the brothas. I agree with this. But don’t tell my boys.
April 17th, 2008 at 11:35 pm dollsdaughter says:

Damn Q. Dont get married cause a woman will make your life more complicated? Classy. LMAO.

Dont mind me. Everyones entitled to their opinion. Im just thrilled to have a cool place to break balls. Thus, illustrating your point. :)
April 18th, 2008 at 7:25 am BrownSugar says:

The answer is “YES”. A lot of men are just too self absorbed with themselves and when they meet a good woman who is for real they can’t handle it. They keep checking their blackberries everytime they beep always thinking that they might miss out of something. The ironic thing is when nothing works for them they come back to the woman who was there for them and surprise she is “GONE”. I used to spend too much time talking with my friends about men, we finally decided we have a lot more interesting things to talk about like putting our needs first rather than theirs. They don’t appreciate it.
April 18th, 2008 at 8:13 am teri s says:

at least your friends talk about men. get to be my age, they start talking about old age ailments like menopause and achy joints! on another note, go obama!
April 18th, 2008 at 9:52 am teradise says:

when I go out, the last thing I wanna talk about is some no good man! LOL You’re going out to feast your eyes on other no good men! Enjoy it!
April 18th, 2008 at 10:49 am SoSoCali says:

Speak the truth, girl!
April 18th, 2008 at 12:25 pm rara says:

You are absolutely right we, women, should all get a life. But in the case that we do have a really full life, boy talk is the Only stress free topic we can all discuss at girls night out… After a week of office politics, school, and the news, the couple wonderful hours i spent with my girls should feel like a romantic comedy, not a documentary :)
April 18th, 2008 at 12:25 pm Irene says:

I find that individuals who have pursued some type of self-exploration do not obsess about their relationships and instead focus on what fulfills them outside of it. Or perhaps that’s narcissism at its finest…although I doubt it.
April 18th, 2008 at 12:26 pm Marvin says:

Most men sit down and talk about all the child support they have to pay. If they’re married they talk about how they had to watch a 3 hour movie w/their wives in exchange for 5 minutes of intimacy! In recent news, we all agreed the governor of New York actually got a discount in his prostitution episode, because the average man spends more money in time and romance for the same result.
April 18th, 2008 at 12:27 pm Loureva says:

I am taking the challenge! The next time I hang out with my homegirls I will try to keep men out of the conversation. I KNOW it will be hard, since our talks ALWAYS lead to men, but I’m interested to see what happens.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:00 pm Jax says:

I’m taking up the challenge this weekend at my next girl’s night out…but how do we dialogue about s.e.x. without talking about men???!!!
April 18th, 2008 at 5:07 pm UncleD says:

Damn you’re fine. Happily single is not as good as happily with me. I promise you. HA!
April 18th, 2008 at 6:52 pm SAMIAH says:

I’m guilty of always talking about man! I only do it because I don’t have one and damn this is a lonely life. I have been working on being more involved with myself so I will continue to work on being more engaged with whats going on with the world and taking are od my innerself!
April 18th, 2008 at 10:49 pm QD says:

It is usually an easy subject to speak on because it is so familiar and everyone can relate. I do understand what you are saying, there are other (more important) things going on in the world. Politics are a little uneasy to talk about with some people because it can change a relationship. I would elaborate but thats a whole new subject. I think that guys talk as much about women as we do THEM. THEY sometimes will also talk about business opportunities and other ways of making money. But ultimately the objective of the guy is to make himself attractive to the opposite sex (or same sex depending). So I think subconsciously they are talking about women they are just using different terms and phrases.
April 19th, 2008 at 3:01 pm TLL says:

No matter the gender…people talk about what they aspire to have. If you’re broke and want money, then you focus on ways to become prosperous. Looking for a career change, then you dedicate yourself to the steps that will lead to that. Single and talking about how you want a man is OKAY; it’s s natural desire. But yeah, I admit that it consumes us women way more than it should. Damnit…you men!!! (But I can’t even say I’ll have a Girls’ Night Out without talking about them, it’s just not going to happen…LOL!!)
April 20th, 2008 at 6:47 pm Rico says:

OK, here it is in a nut shell (a few words?) We are just like you, we want what the heart wants. We want a woman that is kind and has something else on her mind besides where I am. I already have a mother. We want a woman, that is smart enough, that if she is worried about money, she can do it without coming off as a gold digger. I can afford a nice car, but I love my truck.

What men talk about? The same things you do, the things that interest us and the things we want feedback on from our friends. We talk about: Men = sports and women = ?? / Men = why does she call me all the time? and Women = why is he not answering his phone?

My direct thought and belief is simple. Men are simple - from the time we are kids playing in the school yard, we are taught to hunt and gather. We just want someone we can go to the local bar (not upscale) and have a beer with and when we don’t want to bring her, she is cool with it. We want sex and don’t always want to be the one chasing it. If I have to chase all the time in a relationship, then I can be single and do the samething. We want to eat and be happy. Doesn’t that sound the same. There is no worse feeling than coming home to your own house and having to walk on eggshells. We all have a spot in our hearts left from our youth with the concepts of romance. I think when we get there and find the grass a little different, we try to change it or run (fight or flight).

There is this old saying that men marry a woman and hope she will never change and women marry a man hoping she can change him.

I guess I had more to say on the subject, then I thought.
April 21st, 2008 at 10:55 am happilymarriedman says:

Great Blog Site…We’ll ladies as Ms. Gregory pointed out not discussing men is a novel thought, unfortunately it’s just that “A thought” Lets face facts
1. human nature
2. surpressed desires
3. instincts
4. and good ole’ Chemistry
for all these reasons and several more women will always be a topic for men and vice versa (sp?). You can try but it won’t be a naturally flowing conversation. We will come up in the conversation at some point. Here’s a thought charge five dollars if someone slips and mentions MEN…lol It’s OK to combine topics isn’t it? my experience is that we need each other! I got lucky, and Ms. Gregory if your truly happy single that’s great, but are you sure content wouldn’t be a better adjective…just food for thought! BE and STAY BLESSED> Peace
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:19 am SCH says:

i agree with you that women probably talk more about men than men talk about women under similar circumstances. and i also agree that there are a lot of interesting things to talk about BESIDES one’s romantic relationships. having said that, men and women are DIFFERENT. hello???!!!!! men go to strip clubs and women don’t. women like to shop and men don’t. of course, these are generalizations and exceptions exist. but double standards exist because the sexes AREN’T THE SAME. and that’s okay with me! (but on another note….TAVIS QUIT THE TOM JOYNER SHOW OVER THE OBAMA CONTROVERSY??!!! NO WAY!!)
April 28th, 2008 at 11:53 am Sammi says:

My ability to hold a conversation about any and everything–local to global, has often sent men AND my girlfriends running for the hills because pedestrian conversations that solely revolve around male/female relationships is “easier” and less complicated. If I’m in NY, the conversations with my girlfriends are far more cerebral … in LA (excluding a certain writer/producer/traveler), I often feel like I need to read the Dictionary of Cultural Literacy when I get home.

On the passport … I do want (not need) a man who has a passport (w/stamps that exceed trips to Mexico, Canada, Jamaica, and other various islands) because EVERY TIME I tell a man I’ve traveled the world solo, he goes M.I.A. That’s so not sexy and a tad twisted.
May 23rd, 2008 at 11:57 pm Beetlebugbailey says:

Great website. It was a challenge though to find the Gregory site. Tamara is easy on the eyes, so why not up front and personal on the opening page? Click and read….Anyhow, I will agree there is much to talk about, laugh about, and hell: cry about….that includes Hillary’ little hiccup in the press…which by the way should have touted as a Political fart, smelly and loud….but the free press gives her a pass…(what else is new)… &lest we forget something to discuss. I’m married, going on year 14 with 3 kids,2 dogs, a minivan, and a mortgage. Somedays scary by anyone’s book. Why? The responsibility that goes with that will keep you up at night …well maybe some of you. Early in my marriage, maybe the conversation could be deemed twisted as the honeymoon is over but still you hope for the honeymood. But now, there are bigger fish to fry, and mid life crisis to contend with, your teens and oral sex on the school bus, the political candidates, the war, Iron Man, the price of gas…LIFE in 2008. So if the conversation strays to our knuckleheads (our men folk) who have strayed…well just like us: (and that onery dog in the back yard) He just needs love. Yours, ours, Mine. We married crazy folk envy the single life for the pure gift of self… self expression. Later in life we married gals resent the loss and experience memeory loss of the face in the mirror in the AM and fight hard to get her back….so that is where most of the conversation leads to in my world of working and very smart woman. Tamara your point of the conversation…I take it to mean : be conscious of your conversation. And in hte words of Sheryl Crow: “It’s not having what you want, it’s wanting what you’ve got.”
cheers!….Great job TG…keeep em coming
May 24th, 2008 at 10:57 pm Kendra Alexander says:

Being that I’m not a man, I can’t say for sure, but I think the answer would be yes. Because of the double standards placed on today’s(and yesterdays) society, men seem to have to “front” or put on that macho bravado whenever they’re with the guys and even with the woman. I think women need to be more upfront with men about how they expect them to act. What I mean by this is that I’ve caught myself saying and thinking I wish my husband would man up and stop being so soft, but I think it’s more society speaking than me. Men should be able to express their emotion all the same. They should be able to shed some tears, get excited about seeing their wives/girlfriends excited, hell…cry during a movie. We’ve been beat into a mold that says we can bend this way as men/women, but not that way and we feel guilt, hurt, loss of pride when we break that mold. We have to stop putting constraints on ourselves and be who God made us…emotion and all. Nobody wants to be with a stoic who acts like nothing is ever wrong and never shows any feelings about anything. The movie, Equilibrium, comes to mind. If you haven’t seen it, check it out and imagine a world with no feelings. I think this is what it all boils down to. Can men and women both show the same kinds of emotion to the same extent without being called out for it being too extreme or not extreme enough. We all must be more open to dialog with one another about this, because society has placed these invisible barriers around us preventing us from going to the next level relationship wise.

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